Ms. Beard Is Weird!

pockets. Ms. Leakey was stuffing them down her shirt.

    â€œThis doesn’t seem very educational to me,” said Andrea.
    But it was hilarious. And we got to see it live and in person. You should have been there!
    â€œGO! GO! GO!” we all chanted. “GRAB THAT CASH!”
    After five minutes, a buzzer sounded. The fans were turned off, and the money floated down to the bottom. Ms. Leakey and Mr. Granite staggered out of the booths like they were drunk. There was money and glue stuck all over them. Everybody clapped.
    â€œThat was great !” Ms. Beard said, sticking the microphone into their faces. “How do you feel?”
    â€œFuffrumprugrym,” said Mr. Granite. His mouth was full of dollar bills, so he couldn’t talk very well.
    The bills were peeled off and collected so they could be counted to find out who was the winner. It took a long time. We had to sit through a bunch of commercials for Porky’s pork sausages. But everyone was excited. We were on pins and needles.
    Well, not really. We were sitting on chairs. If we were on pins and needles, it would have hurt. 7
    Finally, Ms. Beard came out with an envelope in her hand. A hush fell over the all-purpose room.
    â€œWell,” she said as she tore open the envelope, “this is the moment you’ve been waiting for, America! We tallied up all the money. Mr. Granite grabbed two hundred and fifty-six dollars!”
    â€œYay!” all the kids in my class shouted.
    â€œ. . . and Ms. Leakey grabbed three hundred and twenty-four dollars!” shouted Ms. Beard. “The winner of The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School is Ms. Leakey!”
    Everybody started yelling and screaming and clapping and stomping and freaking out. About a million hundred balloons fell from the ceiling.
    Ms. Leakey and Mr. Granite hugged each other. They had a hard time separating after that because they were covered with glue. Everybody laughed.

    â€œMr. Granite, you get to keep all the cash you grabbed,” said Ms. Beard. “And Ms. Leakey, you not only get to keep your cash, but you also win an all-expenses-paid vacation to anywhere in the world! How do you feel?”
    â€œI don’t know what to say,” said Ms. Leakey as she tried to wipe the tears of joy and glue off her face.
    â€œDon’t forget, you also win a year’s supply of Porky’s pork sausages,” said Ms. Beard
    â€œI love pork sausages!” shouted Ms. Leakey.
    Â 
    Well, that’s pretty much what happened. The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School was a big hit on TV. Ms. Beard bought lots of computers, pencils, notebooks, and toilet paper for our school. After it was all over, we found out that Ms. Beard owned the Porky’s Pork Sausage Company.

    Maybe Ms. Leakey will share her pork sausages with us. Maybe Ms. Beard will stop calling Mr. Klutz Chickie Baby. Maybe they’ll make a TV show about Emily’s toenails. Maybe that guy will go to a hardware store and buy a hammer instead of just singing about it all the time. Maybe the teachers will learn how to cha-cha. Maybe Brownie the Clownie will teach us more about fractions. Maybe we’ll get to mud wrestle during fizz ed class. Maybe they’ll take the electricity out of the air before somebody gets hurt. Maybe Mr. Granite will be able to finish a lesson for once.
    But it won’t be easy!

12
I Hate When That Happens
    Oh, I forgot to tell you something.
    After The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School was on TV, we were all celebrities. Big sacks full of fan mail started arriving at my house. Reporters wanted to interview me. People began asking me for autographs. It was cool.
    Well, it was cool in the beginning anyway. After a while it got to be annoying. Now I can barely go outside without being chased down the street by my fans.
    You don’t believe me? Watch this. I’m going to step outside for a minute.

    â€œLook! It’s him!”
    â€œIt’s A.J. from The Real Teachers of Ella Mentry School !”
    â€œI love him!”
    Uh-oh. This was a big mistake.
    â€œCan I have your autograph, A.J.?”
    â€œHe’s cuter than Justin Bieber!”
    â€œA.J., I want to marry you!”
    â€œI want a lock of his hair!”
    â€œGet him!”
    Oh no! I’ve got to make a run for it!
    They’re chasing me down the street like wild dogs!
    I’m out of breath.
    What’s that noise?
    It’s up in the sky!
    It sounds