Ms. Beard Is Weird!

will be eliminated.”
    â€œAwwwwwwwwww.”
    â€œEach of the teachers will sing a song,” said Ms. Beard. “Then we’ll open up the phone lines so viewers can vote for their favorite. The teacher who gets the fewest votes will be eliminated. Is everyone excited?”
    â€œYeah!” we all screamed.
    â€œNow let’s meet our judges!” said Ms. Beard.
    She picked up a jar filled with slips of paper. She shook it up and then picked out three of them.
    â€œOur judges will be . . . Ryan, Andrea, and A.J.! Come on down!”
    â€œThat’s me !” Andrea shrieked, jumping up and down.
    We went running up to the stage and sat at the table there.
    â€œMay I ask a question?” said Andrea. “What does a singing competition have to do with education?”
    â€œI’m glad you asked that question, Andrea!” said Ms. Beard. “Each teacher is going to sing a song about the thing they teach. Let’s start with your art teacher . . . Ms. Hannah!”
    Everybody cheered when Ms. Hannah went over to the microphone with a guitar.

    â€œIn art,” she said, “sometimes we use tools to build sculptures. So I’d like to sing a song called ‘If I Had a Hammer.’”
    Ugh! I knew that song. It’s about a guy who wants a hammer. He sings that if he had a hammer, he would hammer a bunch of stuff all over the world. If that’s not dumb, I don’t know what is.
    Ms. Hannah sang the hammer song; and when she was done, everybody clapped.
    â€œNow let’s see what our judges think,” said Ms. Beard. “Andrea, did you like Ms. Hannah’s song?”
    â€œI thought it was lovely,” said Andrea. “I give Mrs. Yonkers a ten.”
    Andrea held up a Ping-Pong paddle with a 10 on it, and everybody cheered.
    â€œA perfect score!” said Ms. Beard. “A.J., how do you rate Ms. Hannah?”
    â€œI give her a three,” I said, holding up my paddle. “That song makes no sense at all. If she wants a hammer so badly, why doesn’t she just go to a hardware store and buy one? Hammers don’t cost that much.”

    â€œThe song isn’t about hammers, dumbhead!” Andrea said, rolling her eyes. “It’s about peace.” 4
    â€œWhat do you think, Ryan?” asked Ms. Beard.
    â€œI give Ms. Hannah a six,” said Ryan. “She said that if she had a hammer she would hammer in the morning. But I don’t think she should hammer in the evening too. In the dark, she might hammer her thumb and hurt herself.”
    â€œGood point, Ryan,” said Ms. Beard.
    â€œYeah, and hammering in the evening will disturb the neighbors,” I added. “People are trying to sleep at night. They don’t want to hear a bunch of hammering.”
    â€œWell said, A.J.!” said Ms. Beard. “That’s nineteen points for Ms. Hannah.”
    Everybody cheered.
    After that, Miss Holly, our Spanish teacher, sang a song called “ La Bamba .” Mr. Docker, our science teacher, sang a song called “She Blinded Me with Science.” Mrs. Roopy, our librarian, sang a song about the Dewey decimal system. Miss Laney, our speech teacher, sang a song about the rain in Spain falling mainly on the plain. It made no sense at all. Who cares where it rains? Mr. Loring, our music teacher, sang a song called “Brown Sugar.” That was weird. Why would anybody make a song about sugar?
    After that came our computer teacher, Mrs. Yonkers.

    â€œI’d like to sing a song about pork sausages,” she said. “I borrowed the tune of ‘Home on the Range.’ It goes like this. . . .”
    Â 

    Â 
    â€œOh give me some pork
    with a knife and a fork,
    and potatoes that have been French fried.
    It makes a great lunch,
    and I’ll eat a whole bunch
    with a plateful of beans on the side.
    Porky’s pork sausages.
    I’d rather eat them than play.
    And when I am done,
    I’ll take one on a bun
    To bring home and eat the next day.”
    Â 
    â€œWhat do you think, judges?” asked Ms. Beard.
    â€œThat was wonderful !” said Andrea, who thinks that everything grown-ups do is wonderful. “I give it a ten.”
    â€œThat was terrible !” I said. “Deaf people all over the world are grateful right now that they didn’t have to hear that.”
    â€œWhat did that have to do with computers?” asked