The Reunion

silence.
    ‘It’s harder than you think it’s going to be, isn’t it?’ Jen said eventually. ‘Babies, I mean. And you had two at the same time. I’ve no idea how you coped.’
    ‘There were two of us, too, that makes a difference. You can’t do it alone. Well, you can, I suppose, people do…’
    He had nothing for her but platitudes – it was so long since the girls had been that age, he barely remembered what it was like. He remembered great happiness, wonder, that constant sense of astonishment that they were really
there
, after all the waiting, and they were so small, so impossibly tiny, so fragile. He didn’t remember exhaustion, he didn’t remember Natalie ever looking like this. She probably had done, all the time, but all he recalled now was the happiness.
    Jen smiled at him, a slow, watery smile. ‘It’s ridiculous,’ she said, ‘but I feel as though she knows about Lilah. I feel like she’s missing her. She’s been so unsettled the last couple of days.’
    ‘It’s not ridiculous, Jen. They feel things, don’t they? That’s what people say, in any case. Your distress, your sadness, maybe she senses it?’
    Jen shrugged. ‘I’m not sure I believe that. I think it’s more than that, it’s like Isabelle misses her. You know how Lilah adored her, how she was always touching her. All those afternoons in the hammock…’ Jen wiped the tears from her cheeks with the heels of her hands. ‘I thought,’ she said softly, a catch in her voice, ‘because we knew it was coming, because it wasn’t a shock, I thought it wouldn’t be so bad…’
    Andrew took Isabelle while Jen cried, but the baby protested, loudly, angrily, her little face screwed up and angry red. He got to his feet and tried to calm her, but she only cried harder. Jen didn’t move, she clutched the armrests of her chair, her head down. Andrew took Isabelle into the kitchen, he bounced her on his hip, he cooed and ga-ga-ga-ed, and Isabelle screamed. Andrew took her outside, into the courtyard, he walked around and around, trying to distract her, until Dan came out of the barn and took her in his arms, and within seconds, literally seconds, she calmed. Dan looked at Andrew – he looked embarrassed, guilty almost – and he said: ‘Sometimes they just need a change of arms,’ and Andrew started laughing.
    ‘That must be it,’ he said. He put his hand on Dan’s arm, gave it an awkward little pat. He turned to go back into the kitchen. Jen was standing there, watching them, her expression unreadable.

 
     
    Letter, from Andrew to Jen, dated 17 September 2013, unsent
    Dearest Jen,
    I was a fool. I had no right to speak to you the way I did. Please forgive me.
    I’m writing this on the plane, I’ve just been to see Maggie. She set me straight. I don’t mean that I told her about anything, please don’t think that, but she could see that I wasn’t right in my head and she deduced, quite rightly, that it was about Nat, and she talked to me about the way things should be and she set me straight.
    But also, she spoke about you. Jen, she talks about you with such love, still, after all this time. You are the daughter she never had, I think. She wishes you happiness, she talked about how much she wished you had a great love in your life, and she shamed me, because I know I should be wishing you the same, instead of judging you and trying to smother your happiness.
    I’ve been a fool. You are not, and could never be a disappointment to me. I’ve been a disappointment to myself, lately, but I think I know what I need to do now, I know where I need to be.
    I wish you love, my girl. And you will always, no matter what you say, be my little sister.
    Love, and apologies,
    Andrew

Chapter Fifty-one

    THE HEAT BROKE. Overnight, banks of gunmetal clouds blew in from the coast, became trapped above the mountains and burst. The rain was heavy and relentless; it came in cold, driving sheets. Streams of water running down the road became rivers and it was dark even at midday.
    Natalie looked for Zac. He was leaving that afternoon; his bags were packed, piled neatly in the hallway, but he was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t in the house or in the barn with Dan, he hadn’t taken the car out. Nat put on her hiking boots and borrowed a jacket from Jen and walked up the muddy slope behind the house towards the woods. She found him there, in the clearing where they scattered Lilah’s ashes. He was sitting on a fallen tree trunk, his