Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

(e.g., “I felt like there was a monster in my tummy.”); this exercise makes the emotion more tangible and manageable. Then, ask them if there might be another way to react to that situation that would not make them feel as bad. For example, with a sibling who won’t share, they can ask again, ask their parents for help, or find something else to play with. You should, of course, consider your children’s age in posing these questions and adjust them to your children’s level of development. For example, a four-year-old can understand questions about who made them upset, but may not be able to say what the precise emotion is. In contrast, a seven-year-old will probably be able to say that they feel frustrated, angry, or sad. But even if children don’t grasp their emotions fully at first, emotions provide you with the opportunity to begin to send messages about emotional mastery that will have more meaning and value for your children as they mature. They also provide your children with a basic opportunity to learn to coach themselves as they develop the capabilities and maturity to do so.
    With your help both as a role model and an emotional coach, your children can learn to recognize and identify their emotions. They can then search themselves and their environment for possible causes of their emotional reactions. When they see the reasons for their feelings, they gain valuable information about emotional experiences that gives them greater understanding and control over what they feel. This process encourages your children to “step back” from their emotions, which lessens the intensity and impact of the emotions. It also provides your children with the opportunity to express what they feel in a healthy way that serves them best.
BE PATIENT
     
    How you respond to your children’s often intense and uncontrollable emotional reactions to the seemingly chaotic world in which they live may be your greatest challenge as a parent. Let’s be honest. Their emotional lives can be a source of tremendous irritation, frustration, and despair—to the point that you want to throw up your arms and surrender. The development of emotional mastery is a lifelong journey, which your children are just starting. Your power as a parent lies in your ability to send positive daily messages about emotions and look for teachable moments in which to instill emotional mastery. The great thing about emotional mastery is that it is self-rewarding. When your children make a poor emotional choice, they feel bad. Conversely, when they make a healthy emotional choice, they feel better. And each time your children make the right choice, they are making it easier to choose the next time. A meta-message they receive from you is that if you are patient with them, they can be patient with themselves. The ultimate goal of emotional mastery is for your children to be able to fully experience the entire spectrum of emotions, embrace the positive emotions, and resolve the negative emotions in a healthy way.
CATCHPHRASES FOR EMOTION
     
    Sarah and I believe that one of the most important lessons that children can learn is that life has its ups and downs and our emotions reflect those fluctuations. There will be great times when we feel wonderful and there will be times when life doesn’t go so well and we feel pretty darned bad. There will be highs of happiness, joy, and excitement, and there will be lows of frustration, anger, and sadness. And a related lesson is that neither the highest of highs nor the lowest of lows lasts forever.
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    CATCHPHRASES FOR EMOTION
     
“Feel bad, feel good.”
“No yelling, no hitting, no kicking, no biting, no scratching, no pushing.”
“Be loving, be kind, be gentle.”
“Feelin’ it big time!”
“Cool and calm.”
“There is no joy in Whoville.”
“Your emotions, your choice.”
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    Our catchphrase for emotions with our girls is “Feel bad, feel good,” which sends the message that there are times when they will experience negative emotions and other times when they will feel positive emotions; that’s just the nature of life. When Catie or Gracie (or both) are feeling bad, we don’t jump in and try to ease their pain; we just say “Feel bad, feel good” empathically and are there for them. We have found that this catchphrase offers them much-needed perspective when they are engulfed in, and perhaps overwhelmed by, their very strong and immediate emotions. Periodically, when Catie is