Your Children Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You

eight-and four-year-old sons, Kenny and Jed. They know that they can’t talk reason with their boys when they are in a bad place emotionally; they have learned that the hard way. But Debbie and Armand find that once their sons calm down, they are usually receptive to a conversation about emotions. So they make it a family ritual to talk to Kenny and Jed after a period of upset. In these discussions, Debbie and Armand probe their sons as to what emotion they were feeling and what caused it. They also explore what makes them feel better and make sure that their boys remember what worked. Most important, they talk about ways in which Kenny and Jed can avoid their upset altogether and come up with several new strategies their boys can use the next time they are set off.
ACTIVITIES FOR EMOTION
     
    Sarah and I often wonder how Catie and Gracie (or any children, for that matter) figure out their emotional lives at all. Just think what it’s like for them. They feel so many different emotions so strongly in their hearts, bodies, and minds, yet have no context to put them in, no perspective from which to understand them, and no strategies to deal with them. It is truly trial-and-error learning, and given the incredible impact of emotions on children, that just doesn’t seem like a good way to learn about them.
    There are two things that we do to provide our children with context, perspective, and strategies for their emotional-learning process. First, we connect emotions to our daily lives. When we are doing something as a normal part of our day that elicits an emotion, positive or negative, we label and mirror it. For example, if the girls are having a great time riding their bikes, we’ll say something like“You seem so happy riding your bikes!” in a tone that reflects that happiness. Conversely, when we are in situations that evoke a negative emotion, for instance, if I’m struggling to fix a leak in our garden’s irrigation system, I will say “I get so frustrated when things don’t work the way I want them to!” in a tone that expresses my consternation and irritation. This activity allows Catie and Gracie to understand that all emotions are just part of life. It also shows them that their parents experience the same sorts of feelings they do.
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    ACTIVITIES FOR EMOTION
     
Connect emotions to your daily lives.
Offer constructive ways to express emotions.
Ask your children what will make them feel better.
Stay calm and composed in the face of tantrums.
Be empathic, yet firm.
Don’t yell.
Understand the underlying cause of tantrums.
Teach your children the vocabulary of emotions.
Praise good emotional choices.
Don’t forget the positive emotions.
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    Second, Sarah and I guide Catie and Gracie to deal with their emotions in healthy ways, particularly negative emotions, such as anger or sadness, that make them feel bad and often aren’t expressed well. We give them examples of constructive ways to deal with their emotions. For example, if Catie or Gracie are sad, one of us might say “When I feel sad about something, I like to sit by myself for a while till I figure it out and then I like to be with people because that makes me happier,” or “I don’t like to feel sad, so I do something that makes me happy, like go for a run. What could you do when you’re sad that would make you feel better?” Or, using the example of frustration above, “When I’m frustrated, I stop doing what is frustrating me, take a deep breath, and ask for help.” We also ask our girls what they like to do to feel better when they don’t feel happy. Catie likes to paint or draw, play dress-up, read books, and bounce on her bed. Gracie likes to run around outside, play with Catie, and snuggle with her mom or dad.
    Terry and Jaime find that their biggest emotional challenge with their children, Casey and Ivy, is when one of them throws a temper tantrum. Terry and Jaime are always conflicted about how to respond. On the one hand, tantrums can be messages that all is not right in their children’s world, that they are sad, frustrated, afraid, tired, hungry, or sick. In this case, Terry and Jaime want to be empathetic and responsive. On the other hand, temper tantrums can be indications of being spoiled, wanting immediate gratification, or attempting to manipulate parents. In this case, if Terry and Jaime give in, their kids learn that they can get anything they want if they just “burn really hot.” And it is often