The Merchant of Menace

almost buried in Christmas decorations.
    Four-foot-high lighted candy canes lined the driveway. A life-sized Santa in a sleigh with two extremely lifelike reindeer were to the left of the sidewalk, and a coven of evil-looking plastic elves even more revolting than Jane’s cookie elves disported themselves to the right of the yard. Every window in the house had a lighted snowman, angel, or star shining from it and was outlined with twinkling lights on the outside. In fact, the entire structure of the house was strung with lights. The bushes were a psychedelic nightmare, flashing and pulsating in red and green lights.
    Jane and Shelley exchanged horrified looks. Tiffany cupped both hands and bellowed into Billy Joe’s ear, “TURN OFF THE MUSIC!”
    He bounced off to the house to do her bidding and a moment later the sound was abruptly cut off, mid-trumpet. It was suddenly so relatively silent that Jane could hear her pulse in her ears. Or maybe she’d gone suddenly deaf, she thought, and that’s all she’d ever hear again. Her own heartbeat.
    She tested her voice. “Shelley? Why didn’t you tell me about this?”
    Shelley was shaking her head, as if to clear it. “I’ve been inside all day and came from my kitchen door across the driveway to your kitchen door. I had no idea! He must have been working on this all day long.“
    “It’s—“ Jane fumbled for a single word that would describe the Johnsons’ house. “—amazing! Horrible and amazing.”
    Jane’s front door flew open and two of her children came barreling out. Katie, Jane’s sixteenyear-old daughter, came to a sudden stop and said, “Holy sh— oops. Sorry, Mom.“ Her eyes were as big as saucers as she stared at the sight next door. “‘I was on the phone with Jenny and there was this awful noise...“ Her voice trailed off.
    Todd, in seventh grade and just inching past his sister in height, came out behind her, looked at the house, and grinned. “Awesome!“ he said.
    Jane glanced down the street. Here and there porch lights had come on, and people were standing on their front steps, huddled in sweaters and coats, staring at the Johnsons’ house. Somebody pointed to the roof, and Jane looked up, then clutched Shelley’s arm. “Shelley, the roof—”
    Atop the house, set up between the two front dormers, was an entire life-sized crèche. Joseph, Mary, baby Jesus, wise men, shepherds, two sheep, and a smallish camel who looked like he came from a different set. The figures were brilliantly hued plastic, lighted from inside. It was, beyond any doubt, the most ghastly thing Jane had ever seen.
    Several cars had stopped in front of the house and their passengers were gawking at the display.
    Billy Joe was gesturing at Jane and Shelley. “Y’all come take a look from the front,“ he bellowed.
    It would have been surly to refuse. But they didn’t hurry. As they reached the couple, Billy Joe reached out to shake Shelley’s hand. He pumped it like a slot machine handle. “I’m Billy Joe Johnson and this here is my wife Tiffany Ann. Tiff to her friends.“
    “How do you do?“ Shelley said, trying to gently extricate herself from his grip. “I’m—“ She paused as if attempting to gather her wits and remember her own name. “I’m Shelley Nowack. I live on the other side of Jane.“
    “Leggo her hand, Billy Joe,“ Tiffany said. “Pleased to meetcha, Shelley. What do you think?“
    “About what?“ Shelley asked.
    Tiffany laughed merrily. “Why, of the house, of course. Isn’t it just the best thing?”
    Shelley’s mouth moved but no words came out. Jane stepped into the breach. “It’s certainly—impressive. So many—things. And music, too. Oh, my.“
    It was a feeble attempt at courtesy, but Billy Joe and Tiffany accepted it as a compliment and beamed at each other.
    A police car pulled into the Johnsons’ driveway and the officer, a young woman with sleek blond hair in a tidy chignon at the back of her neck, got out and stared, bewildered, at the house for a long moment before approaching Billy Joe. “Hello there, folks,“ she said, her smile huge and astonished. “We got a call about a noise at this address.”
    Billy Joe introduced himself and the others and said, “That was just my sound system. I guess I had it set too loud. I’m a little deaf myself, so I didn’t notice. But Tiff says I damned near blew out her circuits!“ He laughed uproarishly at this witticism. “Don’t it look great?”
    Jane felt