Nightside 10 - The Good the Bad and the Uncanny

even heard of road safety. But after I waited patiently through the dialling chant, all I got was Dead Boy’s usual recorded message.
    “Hi. I’m dead. Call back later.”
    So I frowned, tapped my foot thoughtfully, and considered who else might be available and up for a little motorised mayhem. It wasn’t a terribly long list, and it didn’t take me long to get to the bottom. I sighed and entered the number for Ms. Fate; the Nightside’s very own transvestite crime-fighter. A man who dressed up as a super-heroine to kick the crap out of bad guys. She’s actually very good at it; and she has a really remarkable car. It’s just that I find her continual bright-eyed girl-guide enthusiasm somewhat trying...
    “Hi, John!” she said, her voice rich and warm as always. “In trouble again, are we?”
    “How did you know?” I said, a bit suspiciously. “John, my phone is preprogrammed to recognise your voice. It sets off all sorts of warning bells and a siren, because let’s face it, sweetie, you’re always in some kind of trouble.”
    “How would you like to drive me and my elven client from one side of the Nightside to the other, all the way to the Osterman Gate, almost certainly fighting off attacks by assorted bad guys from beginning to end, and help prevent a major war into the bargain?”
    She laughed. “You always did know how to show a girl a good time. Did you say... elven?”
    “Yes. Don’t ask me to explain, or I’ll start to whimper. It’s complicated.”
    “My fee just doubled. Shall we say ... twenty per cent of what you’re getting?”
    I grinned. “I don’t have any problem with that.”
    “Fabulous, darling! I’ll slip a few extra nasty tricks into my utility belt, fire up the Fatemobile, and be with you in two shakes of the best false boobies money can buy.”
    There wasn’t anything I felt like saying in response to that, so I shut down my phone. I was about to put it away when it rang. I looked at it for a moment. Sometimes you just have a feeling... I answered the phone, holding it a cautious distance away from my ear.
    “This had better not be who I think it is.”
    “John, dear boy, this is Walker. You need to stop what you’re doing and go home, right now. This is none of your business.”
    “He’s my client,” I said. I didn’t know how Walker knew I was involved with the putative Lord Screech; but then, Walker knows everything. I think that’s actually part of his job description. Along with keeping the peace and enforcing the status quo in the Nightside by any and all means necessary. Either way, he should have known better than to give me orders.
    “You can get other clients,” Walker said reasonably. “Walk away, John. I’ve already signed the elf’s death warrant. I’d hate to have to sign another.”
    That was Walker for you. He might or might not hate to do it; but he’d do it. Walker was all about getting the job done.
    “You know I never let a client down,” I said.
    “Of course, dear boy. I’m only keeping you talking so my people can pinpoint your current location... John? What are you doing back at the Dragon’s Mouth?”
    There was something in his voice. It might have been concern ; but you can never be sure with Walker.
    “I’m fine,” I said. “The client chose the meeting place.”
    “Typical elf. He knew what it meant to you. Yet another reason why you shouldn’t trust him. I know you pride yourself on being loyal to your clients, John, but he won’t be loyal to you. He can’t. He’s an elf.”
    “The principle still stands,” I said. “I don’t have many, so I have to stick with what I’ve got. We’re off on a little road trip, Walker, off to see the worlds. Try and keep up.”
    “This is no joke, John. I’ve been forced to take on some really serious people, to see this through.”
    “Send the best you’ve got,” I said. “And I’ll send them home crying for their mothers.”
    Walker sighed into my ear, like a parent disappointed by a stubborn child. “You’ve been listening to the elf, haven’t you, John? You know you can’t trust anything an elf says. I am the only one who knows what’s really going on here.”
    “Doesn’t matter,” I said. “If he’s on the opposite side to you, I must be doing the right thing.”
    “All these years of butting heads,” said Walker. “And you haven’t learned a damned thing.”
    The phone went dead. I looked at it for a moment, to see if anyone else felt like