You Suck: A Love Story

“I didn’t do him, Tommy, I just spent the night with him trying to find out about how to be a vampire. And his name is Elijah.”
    “Oh, so now you’re on a first-name basis.”
    “Oh, for the love of God, Tommy, would you stop thinking? You’re taking what was an amazing experience and sucking all the life out of it.”
    Tommy fidgeted on his pile of rubble and started to pout, but winced when he tried to push out his lower lip and it caught on his fangs. She was right. He’d always been like that, always overthinking, overanalyzing. “Sorry,” he said.
    “You have to just be part of the world now,” Jody said softly. “You can’t put everything into categories, separate yourself from experience by putting words on it. Like the song says, let it be.”
    “Sorry,” Tommy said again. He tried to push the thoughts out of his head, closed his eyes, and listened to his heartbeat, and Jody’s heartbeat coming from across the room.
    “It’s okay,” Jody said. “Sex like that does sort of beg for a postmortem.”
    Tommy smiled, his eyes still closed. “So to speak.”
    Jody stood up and crossed the room to where he was sitting. She offered him her hand to help him up.
    “Careful, the back of your head is kind of stuck in the drywall.”
    Tommy turned his head and heard plaster cracking. “I’m still starving.”
    She pulled him to his feet. “I’m feeling a little drained myself.”
    “My bad,” Tommy said. He could remember now, her blood pulsing into him, at the same time that his was pulsing into her. He rubbed a place on his shoulder where the punctures from her fangs hadn’t quite healed yet.
    She kissed the spot he was rubbing. “You’ll heal faster when you’ve had fresh blood.”
    Tommy felt an ache, like a sudden cramp in his stomach. “I really need to eat.”
    Jody led him into the bedroom, where Chet the huge cat was cowering in the corner, hiding unsuccessfully behind the wicker hamper.
    “Wait,” Jody said. She padded back out into the great room and came back a few seconds later wearing what was left of her red leather jacket (really more of a vest now) and her pan ties, which she had to hold together on one side where they’d been torn off. “Sorry,” she said, “I’m not comfortable being naked in front of strangers.”
    Tommy nodded. “He’s not a stranger, Jody. He’s dinner.”
    “Uh-huh,” Jody said, nodding and shaking her head at the same time, making her appear like a bloodstained, bobble-head doll. “You go. You’re new.”
    “Me? Don’t you know some superanimal hypnotism to call him to you?”
    “Nope. Go get him. I’ll wait.”
    Tommy looked at her. On top of the blood that streaked and smeared her pale skin, there were gobs of futon stuffing stuck to her here and there, as well as white chicken feathers in her hair from one of the
    exploded cushions. He had feathers and cat hair stuck to his chest and legs. “We’re going to have to shave him first, you know?”
    Jody nodded, not looking away from the huge cat. “Maybe a shower first.”
    “Good idea.” Tommy put his arm around her.
    “But just washing. No sex!”
    “Why, we already lost the cleaning deposit?”
    “Those shower doors are glass.”
    “Okay. But can I wash your-”
    “No,” she said. She took his hand and dragged him into the bathroom.
    I t turned out that superhuman vampire strength came in handy when shaving a thirty-five-pound cat.
    After a couple of false starts, which had them chasing Chet the huge shaving-cream-covered cat around the loft, they discovered the value of duct tape as a grooming tool. Because of the tape, they weren’t able to shave his feet. When they were finished, Chet looked like a big-eyed, potbellied, protohuman in fur-lined, duct-tape space boots-the feline love child of Golem and Doddy the house elf.
    “I’m not sure we needed to shave all of him,” Tommy said, sitting on the bed next to Jody as they considered the bound and shaven Chet on the floor before them. “He looks creepy.”
    “Pretty creepy,” Jody said. “You’d better drink. Your wounds aren’t healing.” All her scratches, bruises,
    and love bites were completely healed, and except for a fleck of shaving cream here and there in her hair, she was as good as new.
    “How?” Tommy asked. “How do I know where to bite him?”
    “Try the neck,” Jody said. “But sort of feel around for a vein with your tongue before you bite, and don’t bite hard.” She was trying