You Suck: A Love Story

“You people are disgusting!”
    “Would you settle down,” Jody said. “People are looking. They think you’re crazy.”
    “Which makes me different, how?”
    She looked up the street-for the three blocks she could see there were about three people per block shouting at passersby, wild-eyed and angry, and obviously bat shit. She nodded. He had a point, but then she snatched his shirt collar and pulled his ear down to lip level. “The difference is that you aren’t living anymore and it’s not a good idea to attract attention to yourself.”
    “Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-N-Thangs?”
    “You said you liked it.” Jody had become a little more provocative in her dress since becoming a vampire-but she saw it more as an expression of confidence, not a means to attract attention. Was it a predator thing? A power thing? “I did-do like it, but every guy who passes is staring at your cleavage. I can hear their heartbeats go up. Did you have to turn to mist to get into those jeans? You did, didn’t you?”
    A tap on Tommy’s shoulder. A young man in a white, short-sleeved dress shirt and a black tie had sidled up to him, holding out a pamphlet. “You sound troubled, brother. Maybe this will help.” The pamphlet proclaimed REJOICE! on the cover in big green letters.
    Jody covered her mouth and turned away so the guy wouldn’t see her giggling.
    “What?!” Tommy said, turning on the guy. “What? What? What? Can’t you see I’m trying to discuss my girlfriend’s-uh-well, those.” Tommy gestured to Jody’s shoulder, which was now where those had just been. “Show him, Jody,” Tommy said.
    Jody shook her head and started to walk away, her shoulders shaking with laughter.
    “There’s a message here,” said the tie guy. “It can bring you comfort-and joy.”
    “Yeah, well, I was trying to show you some examples of that, but there she goes with them.”
    “But this is a joy that goes beyond physical-”
    “Yeah, like you’d know,” Tommy said, cupping his nose and mouth as if covering a sneeze. “Listen, I’d love to discuss this with you, buddy, but right now you have to GO HOME AND WASH YOUR ASS!
    You smell like you’re smuggling a stockyard back there!”
    Tommy turned and strode after Jody, leaving the tie guy blushing and crumpling his pamphlet.
    “It’s not funny,” Tommy said.
    Jody was trying so hard not to laugh, she snorted. “Yes, it is.”
    “Can’t they see we’re damned? You’d think they could tell. At least you. We are damned, aren’t we? “
    “No idea,” Jody said. She hadn’t really thought about it.
    “Didn’t cover that in your advanced vampire course with the old guy?”
    “Forgot to ask.”
    “No problem,” Tommy said, with no effort at all to suppress sarcasm. “Minor detail. Anything else you might have forgotten to ask?”
    “I thought I’d have more time, for follow-up,” Jody said. “I didn’t realize that the man I love was going to bronze us that first night.”
    “Yeah-well-okay. Sorry.”
    “Where’s the trust?” Jody said.
    “You killed me,” Tommy said.
    “Oh, there you go again.”
    “Please, folks. I need a dollar,” said a voice from the left. Jody looked down to see a guy sitting against the granite wall of a closed bank. He was dirty beyond age or race, sort of grimy to the point of shine, and on his lap was an enormous long-haired cat. There was a cup on the sidewalk in front of him and beside it a hand-printed sign that read I AM POOR AND MY CAT IS HUGE.
    Tommy, who was still fairly new to the city and hadn’t learned to look past this sort of thing, stopped and started digging in his pocket. “That is sure a huge cat.”
    “Yeah, he eats a lot. It’s all I can do to keep him fed.”
    Jody nudged Tommy, trying to get him back into the pedestrian flow. She liked that he was a nice guy, but it could really be irritating sometimes. Especially when she was trying to teach him the profundities of being a creature of the night.
    “Mostly fur, though, right?” Tommy asked.
    “Mister, this cat weighs thirty-five pounds.”
    Tommy whistled and handed the guy a dollar. “Can I touch him?”
    “Sure,” the guy said. “He doesn’t care.”
    Tommy knelt down and poked the cat gently, then looked up at Jody. “This is a huge cat.”
    She smiled. “Huge. Let’s go.”
    “Touch him,” Tommy said.
    “No thanks.”
    “So,” Tommy said to the cat guy,