Thief of Time

course, Sweeper. We are all human here.”
    “And shall we agree, no tricks?”
    “No tricks,” said Lobsang. “But—”
    “Are we fighting or are we talking?”
    “But, look, if only one can walk out, that means I’ll have to kill you—” Lobsang began.
    “Or vice versa, of course,” said Lu-Tze. “That is the rule, yes. Shall we get on?”
    “But I didn’t know that!”
    “In life, as in breakfast cereal, it is always best to read the instructions on the box,” said Lu-Tze. “This is the Iron Dojo, wonder boy!”
    He stepped back and bowed.
    Lobsang shrugged and bowed in return.
    Lu-Tze took a few steps back. He closed his eyes for a moment and then went through a series of simple moves, limbering up. Lobsang winced to hear the crackle of joints.
    Around Lobsang there was a series of snapping noises, and for a moment he thought of the old sweeper’s bones. But tiny hatches all over the curved wall were swinging open. He could hear whispers as people jostled for position. And by the sound of it, there were a great many people.
    He extended his hands and let himself rise gently in the air.
    “I thought we said no tricks?” said Lu-Tze.
    “Yes, Sweeper,” said Lobsang, poised in midair. “And then I thought: never forget Rule One.”
    “Aha! Well done. You’ve learned something!”
    Lobsang drifted closer.
    “You cannot believe the things that I have seen since last I saw you,” he said. “Words cannot describe them. I have seen worlds nesting within worlds, like those dolls they carve in Uberwald. I have heard the music of the years. I know more than I can ever understand. But I do not know the fifth surprise. It is a trick, a conundrum…a test.”
    “Everything is a test,” said Lu-Tze.
    “Then show me the fifth surprise, and I promise not to harm you.”
    “You promise not to harm me?”
    “I promise not to harm you,” Lobsang repeated solemnly.
    “Fine. You only had to ask,” said Lu-Tze, smiling broadly.
    “What? I asked before, and you refused!”
    “You only had to ask at the right time, wonder boy.”
    “And how is it the right time?”
    “It is written, ‘There’s no time like the present,’” said Lu-Tze. “Behold, the fifth surprise!”
    He reached into his robe.
    Lobsang floated closer.
    The sweeper produced a cheap carnival mask. It was one of those that consisted of a fake pair of glasses, glued above a big pink nose, and a heavy black mustache.
    He put it on and wiggled his ears once or twice.
    “Boo,” he said.
    “What?” said Lobsang, bewildered.
    “Boo,” Lu-Tze repeated. “I never said it was a particularly imaginative surprise, did I?”
    He wiggled his ears again and then wiggled his eyebrows.
    “Good, eh?” he said and grinned.
    Lobsang laughed. Lu-Tze grinned wider. Lobsang laughed louder and lowered himself to the mat.
    The blows came out of nowhere. They caught him in the stomach, on the back of his neck, in the small of his back, and swept his legs from under him. He landed on his stomach, with Lu-Tze pinning him down in the Straddle of the Fish. The only way to get out of that was to dislocate your own shoulders.
    There was a sort of collective sigh from the hidden watchers.
    “ Deja-fu !”
    “What?” said Lobsang into the mat. “You said none of the monks knew deja-fu !”
    “I never taught it to ’em, that’s why!” said Lu-Tze. “Promise not to harm me, would you? Thank you so very much! Submit?”
    “You never told me you knew it!” Lu-Tze’s knees, rammed into the secret pressure points, were turning Lobsang’s arms into powerless lumps of flesh.
    “I may be old, but I’m not daft!” Lu-Tze shouted. “You don’t think I’d give away a trick like that, do you?”
    “That’s not fair—-”
    Lu-Tze leaned down until his mouth was an inch from Lobsang’s ear.
    “Didn’t say ‘fair’ on the box, lad. But you can win, you know. You could turn me into dust, just like that. How could I stop Time?”
    “I can’t do that!”
    “You mean you won’t, and we both know it. Submit?”
    Lobsang could feel parts of his body trying to shut themselves down. His shoulders were on fire. I can discarnate, he thought, yes, I can, I could turn him to dust with a thought. And lose. I’d walk out, and he’d be dead, and I’d have lost.
    “Nothing to worry about, lad,” said Lu-Tze, calmly now. “You just forgot Rule Nineteen. Submit?”
    “Rule Nineteen ?” said Lobsang, almost pushing himself off the mat until