The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy With Autism

Japanese-style room, next to the living room. Shun’s heart was pounding. ‘Mum?’ He called her from behind, softly.
    She did not turn around for him.
    I’m well and truly dead now, aren’t I?
    Shun’s final hope was completely dashed. Downcast, he went around to stand in front of his mum so he could at least take a proper look at her face. She looked so sad and crushed in her black clothes. In his mind, Shun apologized to her.
Mum, I’m so, so sorry I died
…
    Between Shun and his mum a subtle breeze flowed. Her hand touched his body, the same body she apparently couldn’t see because it wasn’t there. And Shun felt the same warmth he used to feel back when he was very small, when his mum gave him a cuddle.
    Shun’s dad came in from the living room. ‘Hi. What are you doing?’
    ‘Somehow,’ replied Shun’s mum, ‘I feel Shun’s in here.’
    ‘Shun’s always with us. Always.’
    Shun wasn’t sure quite what to think of this.
I’m dead and gone, but my feelings are the same as they ever were. I want to help Mum and Dad, but there’s nothing I can do
. Shun shut his eyes, and in the same instant he was flying away at an astonishing speed.
    Shun was back in the place called Heaven. Space was really quiet. All alone, Shun drifted away in his thoughts. He didn’t know what to think about himself any more. He had never imagined that after he died he would be so utterly alone.
I wish there was somebody here I could talk to
. Then he heard something.
What’s that sound?
Shun listened, intently. It was a boy’s voice. Shun called, ‘Is there anybody out there?’
    ‘You must be the new one, right? Hi. I’m Kazuo.’
    Shun was delighted. ‘Brilliant! I thought there was nobody but me.’
    ‘You can’t make us out yet, but there are as many people round here as there are stars,’ said Kazuo. ‘If you wish it, you’ll be able to talk to us – any of us – whenever you want. This world is beyond time, outside of space. Here is perfect freedom. I’ve been living here in Heaven for eighty years, y’know.’
    ‘I don’t know what to do here,’ said Shun. ‘You say we have perfect freedom, but actually … there’s nothing here.’
    Kazuo just laughed. ‘You ought to do the things you couldn’t do when you were still alive.’ With that, Kazuo slipped away somewhere.
    So I ought to do the things I can only do now I’m dead
… At that point, numberless lights wrapped around Shun, comforting him like a shimmering blanket. It was like being rocked in a cradle, and at long last, all the tension Shun had felt up to that point began to ebb away. For the first time in many days, Shun fell asleep.
    Shun was getting used to life in Heaven now, and he had made a lot of friends, as Kazuo had said. Everyone was kind, and there were no barriers of language, ethnicity or era. People lived so peacefully here that it was difficult to believe how much they had fought and quarrelled when they were alive. Shun had never dreamt that owning nothing could be so blissful. He had also, by now, done many of the things that he couldn’t during his lifetime. He’d visited every corner of the Earth. He’d spoken with many people in Heaven. Everything was fresh and exciting.
    Sometimes Shun visited his parents’ home too. It was sad that he couldn’t speak with them directly, but it made him happy just to see their faces and listen to them talk about him. This was enough for Shun to stay brave and go on.
    It was on a day like this when Shun was visiting his home that his mum looked strange. She was miserable, and didn’t seem to be eating. Staring at the photograph of her son, tears were in her eyes. ‘Shun, I don’t think I can go on living like this, without you here. I want to be where you are.’ Saying this, she collapsed on the table, face down and weeping.
    Shaken, Shun too started to cry.
But I thought she was getting over my death. I thought it was all going to be okay
. ‘Don’t cry, Mum. Mum, please. Don’t.’ Ever so gently, Shun hugged her shoulders.
I’m invisible, she doesn’t know I’m here
. Shun’s mum kept crying until it got dark, and he stayed by her side.
    On his return to Heaven, Shun thought about his parents every single day.
I was sure that at some point things would return to normal for Mum and Dad. But it looks as if their grief will last for the rest of their lives. And although I can be
with
them, there’s nothing I can do to
help
them.
Shun was sinking into despair
.