Sweet Revenge: 200 Delicious Ways to Get Your Own Back

mogul was impressed; he wanted to know more but Jack just smiled and left enigmatically.
    'The following day at 9 o'clock in the morning, the guy with the world at his feet and his feet six inches off the floor, phoned Jack's agent and said, "Get me the guy who writes elbow, I gotta have him. Elbow's exactly what we are looking for." By this time, Mr Rosenthal was on a plane halfway across the Atlantic, rubbing elbows with real people...'
    - with thanks to actress and writer Maureen Lipman who tells us this story about her husband, the writer Jack Rosenthal.
     

     
    'I was asked to provide the voice of a donkey for a commercial extolling the virtues of a well-known West Country resort. I shall not reveal the place or the firm concerned for fear of embarrassment. The recording was carried out all very efficiently and the character of the cheery little donkey seemed to come through well enough to keep the client happy. It was a tortuous day in which I drew on all my classical training at Rose Bruford and with Jaques Lecoq in Paris. If only Stanislavski could have seen the preparation for this role.
    'Having completed the job the invoice was sent and it was just a question of waiting for the cheque.
    WRONG... three weeks turned to four, from a month to two, three... six months passed and no cheque. I sent the “kind" letter along, "I wonder if you have forgotten?'', “I wonder if you have mislaid the invoice?'', all that sort of polite remindery! After seven months I had had enough. It wasn't as if it was thousands of pounds. It was peanuts considering how my voice had suffered as that ruddy donkey.
    'I decided on a different tack: confront them and get to see "Mr Big", the man with the money. I went into the office which was situated in Bristol. Nice area. Nice carpet, I recall. Nobody in the office except the receptionist-cum-secretary-cum-tea and coffee makeress. "Excuse me," I said, "I believe I am owed some money, can I have it please?" I showed all the relevant documents. The phone calls began, furtive looks at me and I smile. "Yes, Mr Harris, it's in hand. You should get it soon." "I want it now," I said. "It's already seven months late." "You'll just have to be patient," the woman said. That did it. I crossed quietly to the desk, unplugged the best-looking typewriter and made for the door. "Excuse meeeeeeeee..." she said, "what do you think you are doing?" "I'll take this in place of the money if that is all right with you," I said.
    'The door was already beginning to close. "Just a minute," she said... more phone calls and I began to wilt under the weight of the IBM, or whatever it was. Click, the phone goes down. "All right, Mr Harris, the cheque is in the post." Yarooooooo!!! Success at last!
    'I should point out that such behaviour is out of character for me. Totally out of character. I suffered for weeks imagining the moment I pulled out the plug - my clammy hands slip, the prickly heat begins and the firm arm of the law descends. Ohhh cripes!!! However, it was all worthwhile as I got my hard-earned lolly.'
    - with thanks to Chris Harris, theatre director.
     

Quick Tricks and Devilish Deeds
     

Quick Tricks and Devilish Deeds
     
    There was a man who achieved far better results than he could have hoped for by tipping out the shampoo from the bottle in her shower and substituting it with golden syrup.
     

     
    1471 has made anonymous telephone calls traceable, but canny callers know that if they dial 141 before making the call, it renders the call untraceable.
    Ordinary rosehips contain a marvellous home-made itching powder. The minute, hairy fibres, when dried, pierce the skin and cause considerable irritation. There is no end to the creative ideas for their use.
     

     
    Make a video recording of your loo (with no-one in it). Next time there is a party, wait until someone goes to the lavatory. While he (or she) is there, put on your video. When he comes back he'll think you've all been watching him.
     

     
    Post something appropriate to your adversary. We know of one woman who posted her erstwhile lover an anchovy.
     

     
    Senna powder can have a dramatic effect, particularly if stewed. The man into whose bran flakes it was put knew of the fabled effect of bran but was surprised by its vehemence.
     

     
    Milk is the stuff of vengeance and full fat ripens best -especially when it is tipped on to a carpet or, better still, the floor of the car.
     

     
    If you know somebody you can't stand