Shatner Rules

Rush Limbaugh might be a pretty interesting guy to throw into the party mix. In many respects, I believe Rush is as much of a performer as I am, and I wanted to get to know this guy a little more. So I invited him to vacate the S chair at
Raw Nerve
and settle into one of the La-Z-Boys we have in our TV room.
    I was taking a chance—Rush is a somewhat controversial figure. Especially in Hollywood. How would he behave at a football bash? Would he demand that the nachos show proof of citizenship? I kept my fingers crossed that things would get lively, but not too lively.
    Rush showed up, and I introduced him around to the usual members of the gang. My buddy Fred Dryer, the former star of
Hunter
and former defensive end for the New York Giants and the LA Rams, stops by my football nights too. Having a real, honest-to-goodness professional football player watch and comment on games keeps the usual armchair sports bloviating at bay. Would it work on Rush?
    Yep. Despite his brief stint in the NFL color booth for
Monday Night Football
, Rush left the analysis to Fred and was having a heck of a time. He’s a fellow who really fills a room, and I could see he was really mixing in well with my usual gang.
    And soon, another regular sauntered through the door. My other football buddy, Henry Rollins.
    As previously mentioned, Henry is my pal from our work together on
Has Been
, and he has had an amazing career as punk rock singer, author, and spoken word artist. And before you sniff at “spoken word artist,” you might take heed and Google a picture of him. If he didn’t talk so much, his muscles could do his talking for him.
    It is a pretty well-known fact that Henry is as liberal as Rush is conservative. In fact, he’s so left wing and Rush is so right wing that I’m surprised they don’t swing all the way around and bump into one another.
    I was sitting with Rush, sharing a beer, when Henry entered. Being a regular, he walked over to the fridge to see if he could intimidate the appliance into giving him a beverage. I grabbed Rush by the sleeve and led him to the kitchen, determined to make this introduction.
    “Henry,” I said, switching into host mode, “have you met Rush Limbaugh?”
    Henry pulled his head out of the fridge, his mouth agape. Rush smiled. Henry said nothing, and turned and stuck his head back into the fridge. It looked like a handshake was not in the offing.
    Being a good host, I then attempted to distract Rush with a bowl of onion dip, and quickly brought him back to the couch.
    Good Lord, football games are three hours long. How was I going to keep Rush and Henry separate?
    Henry solved this dilemma by turning around and leaving the room, walking down the driveway, and getting into his car and taking off, shortly after my abortive introduction. Later, he left a voice mail on my machine:
    “Hey, Bill, it’s Henry. Sorry I left. I couldn’t stand to be in the same room with that guy.”
    Apparently, Rush had found Henry’s raw nerve, although I think if push had come to shove, Henry could have taken him.
    I think those two need a little time in the S chair.

THIRD RULE FOR TURNING 80: You’re 80. Say What’s on Your Mind.
    I f you’ve made it to eighty, congratulations are in order. You’ve worked hard, you’ve learned much, and the gleaming armor that protects your soul and spirit was forged in the mighty fires of wisdom!
    Right?
    Well, maybe. But if you’re eighty, chances are you’ve at least picked up a few rich experiences along the way and have some opinions and passions.
    I’m going to eschew the format of
Shatner Rules
for a bit and get serious about some serious stuff. No more rules, no more joking around.
    How can I do that, you ask?
RULE: If You Make the Shatner Rules, You Get to Break the Shatner Rules
    What do I want to talk about as we break format?
    Well, the thing I’m more than
always
happy to talk about is horses.
    A.k.a.
Equus ferus
cabbalus
, the large, hooved mammal that man has been domesticating for more than six thousand years, and a creature that has enchanted me for most of my life.
    I have horses here in California, and I have them at my home in Kentucky. I keep them in both places. Seriously, horses are a real bitch to get into your carry-on.
    For more than twenty years now, I have organized the Hollywood Charity Horse Show, where world-class reining horses and riders compete for top honors before a standing-room-only crowd. This year, we even live-streamed