Coda 03 -The Letter Z

in front of him, but he doesn’t let on that he knows. He kisses my forehead and says in a gentle voice, “Angelo, I don’t understand how you can be so smart, and still be so damn stupid.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
    “Don’t you know by now? There’s nothing and nobody in this world that could make me leave you. You’re my whole life, angel. And I like it that way.”
    Some of that dread that’s been in my gut all day goes away when he says that, but the lump in my throat gets even bigger. I wait until I can keep my voice from shaking to answer. “He’s everything I’m not.”
    “But you’re everything I want, Angelo. Not him.”

    I’m everything he wants? A high school dropout with nothing to offer? I try to believe him. I try to understand how he could choose me.
    “Matt and Jared will be here in less than an hour,” he says gently. He knows I’ll want to get my shit together before they show up. No way I want either of them seein’ me like this. Zach nudges me. “Let’s go take a shower.” He knows me so well.
    “Okay,” is all I can say.
    I let him pull me up from the bed and lead me into the bathroom. He starts the shower, pushes me gently into it, and then gets in behind me. He wraps his arms ’round me. I close my eyes, lean back against him, and try to let it all go. I try to let all my anger and all my tears wash away in that steaming hot water.
    I don’t know how long we stand like that, him just holding me. After a bit, his hands start to move on me. He washes my back, then slowly moves down my chest, over my stomach, between my legs. The next thing I know, he’s turning me, pushing me against the wall. I keep my eyes closed and let him lead. I realize he’s on his knees in front of me when I feel his lips on my stomach. And then his tongue moves over my slit, and I have to grab onto him to keep my knees from giving out.
    He said “no sex”, and I’m wonderin’ if I should stop him. Not sure it’s really right to let him do this. Not sure it’s fair for me to take more. But then his mouth closes over me, and I stop wonderin’. I stop thinkin’ at all. For the first time since my eyes opened that mornin’, my mind shuts off, and it’s such an amazing relief. No fear, no worries, no shame. No ridiculous scenarios playing like a bad movie in my head. It’s all lost to that silent, sensual oblivion. There’s nothing but me and him and pure physical sensation.
    The tile wall is cold and smooth against my back and the water is scalding hot on my chest. My hands are tangled in Zach’s thick brown hair, and his mouth is warm and sweet and giving. Always giving. Because that’s what Zach does. One of his hands slides up the inside of my thigh, then I feel his fingers, slick and soapy, pushing against my rim.
    I moan a little, and it surprises him enough that he actually stops sucking. I don’t make much noise during sex. I don’t know why not. Never even thought ’bout it ’til Zach told me. But I know how much he loves it when somethin’ slips out. He says in a low, husky voice, “Oh God, Ang, please do that again.”
    I don’t even have a chance to think about it. As soon as he says it, his mouth slides back down my length, and his fingers push past my rim— but only a little. It’s just the tiniest bit of penetration, and he knows it won’t be enough. He keeps sucking, keeps moving the very tip of his finger in and out, teasing me until I clench my fingers in his hair and manage to whisper, “More, Zach.”
    “Anything,” he says quietly, and then his mouth is on me again, and his fingers slide slowly into me. It feels so good, I really do moan then, and so does he. His fingers massage me, and his tongue circles the head of my cock and flicks over that spot just below my slit. I can’t help but grab him tighter and pull him further down my shaft as his fingers move deeper. Then he touches that wonderfully sensitive spot inside, and that’s all it takes. I may even cry out when I come this time. I don’t know for sure. All I know are his fingers filling me and that wonderful, thoughtless release. He lets me hold his head as far down my shaft as he can go, all the way to end.
    He never stops giving.
    Even still shakin’ from my climax, I think ’bout that. He always gives. Do I really give him anything? Is it possible that lettin’ him give is the same as givin’ back? I wish I knew.
    I feel him stand up, and then his soft hands on each