Watch Me Disappear

party. She hasn’t called me—I imagine she hasn’t called anyone. Jessica told me that after I left the party, Maura went upstairs and everyone else just hung out until they fell asleep. I know from my mother that her parents got some guidance counselors at school involved so Maura could take her finals separately and not have to come to class for the last week. My mom said Mrs. Morgan was looking into in-patient treatment for Maura, which sounds so extreme, but I guess Maura’s behavior has been extreme. I keep thinking maybe I should pick up the phone and call her. Or walk next door and say hello. But the whole crazy scene at her house was too much.
    John comes over and hands me a beer and invites me to join him by the fire. It beats hanging out alone. We sit on a log upwind from the fire. He doesn’t put his arm around me, but he puts his hand on the log behind me like he’s thinking about it. The party is smaller than usual, and everyone is pretty much in one little cluster, instead of being scattered in a few places. I sip my beer and try to imagine what it feels like to have a sense of belonging at a party like this. To sit there enjoying a gorgeous night in a beautiful place with a perfect little fire and the friends you’ve known for years, knowing that in a few months everything is going to change. For me, everything is always changing. Goodbyes don’t mean a whole lot. I am lost in thought, mesmerized by the fire, when I hear Missy call my name.
    “Can we talk?” she asks.
    I get up and walk with her up the hill.
    “I’m sorry,” she says, “about the other day.”
    “You don’t have to—”
    “No, I am. I want you to know that I do forgive you, and I want us to make the most of this summer, okay?”
    “Really?” I ask, coming about as close to that annoying teenaged-girl squeal as I ever have.
    “It might take a little while, you know, to feel normal again, but I think we have to try.”
    I agree, and she throws her arms around me.
    “Paul told me that he kissed you once,” she says, pulling away.
    “Oh.”
    “Lizzie, I really didn’t know you liked him. You always said—”
    “I know.”
    “Can we just put all that in the past?” she asks.
    “We’d need a time machine not to,” I say, and she laughs.
    “So are you going to hook up with John?” she asks, throwing an arm around my shoulder and steering me back toward the party.
    I don’t exactly make out with John that night. I let him walk me back to my car when I have to leave, and I let him kiss me, but I’m still not sure if I can like him like him. But at least I am open to the possibility.
     
    *          *          *
     
    Graduation day is calm and pleasant. The ceremony is held on the football field under sunny skies. The speaker is boring, but that’s to be expected, and of course it all takes much longer than anyone would like, but it’s nice anyway. My parents beam with pride all day and take pictures of everything—even of me and Jeff eating breakfast in the morning. When the ceremony is over, we pick up Gram, who couldn’t be out in the sun long enough to attend the ceremony, and drive into Boston for dinner at Top of the Hub in the Prudential Center. All day, I get the royal treatment.
    The next morning when I come downstairs, Mrs. Morgan is on the couch with my mom. She is crying. My mother calls me into the room.
    “Lizzie,” Mrs. Morgan says, looking up at me and smiling weakly. “We’re so glad Maura was able to rely on you these past few months.” She sniffles and blows her nose.
    “Maura went into the hospital yesterday,” my mother says. She pats Mrs. Morgan’s hand.
    “You’ll come visit her with me, right? Once they’re allowing her to have visitors…” Mrs. Morgan says, her voice trailing off.
    I try to picture Maura in a hospital, lying around in pajamas with no makeup on, surrounded by crazy people. Maura isn’t crazy, I think, but I know she needs help, more help than I can give her. Still, I don’t want to see her that way. Ironically, I want to see her as she was when I first met her, haughty, beautiful, self-assured.
    “Of course she will,” my mother answers when I don’t. And I know she’s right. I will visit Maura because she’s my friend. Friends forgive one another’s faults and they learn to understand one another. Missy taught me that.
     
     

Chapter 20
     
     
    I always thought girls like Maura had everything, and I never understood what