The Reunion

held up her hand.
    ‘You were never his penance,’ Lilah said.
    ‘What?’
    ‘I said, you were never his penance.’ She sipped her water and looked out at the sea. The horizon was level again. Natalie was on her feet, rummaging around in a basket, trying to find something. What was it, what was it she needed? Lilah needed to say something, she couldn’t remember what it was.
    ‘Here you go,’ Nat said, arranging a blanket around Lilah’s shoulders.
    That was it, she remembered now. A blanket round her shoulders, only then she was in front of a fire, not on a beach. ‘I won’t say nothing happened,’ Lilah said, ‘because that wouldn’t be true.’
    ‘Oh, Lilah. Please don’t tell me.’
    ‘I tried,’ she croaked, ignoring Natalie’s plea, ‘to seduce him.’ She made a noise, half laugh, half cough. ‘I know, I’m hateful. Hateful.’
    ‘No, Lilah…’
    ‘Yes. I was so angry with you, so angry, Nat.’ Natalie was sitting at her side, they were holding hands. ‘It was such an emotional day, wasn’t it? And then the storm, walking in the snow, I was so cold, so afraid. Such an emotional day, and I wanted someone to be with me.’ She brought Natalie’s fingers to her lips and kissed them. ‘It wasn’t just spite. I remembered how much I loved him. I remembered how much he once meant to me.’
    There were tears on Natalie’s cheeks, or at least she thought there were, but she wasn’t sure, because she couldn’t see all that well, everything looked out of focus, shimmering, as though she were looking through a heat haze, or warped glass. ‘I had too much wine, I wanted to be with him. He said no. He let me kiss him, just once, and then he pulled away. He didn’t want me, he wanted none of me.’
    ‘Shhh, Lilah.’
    ‘It’s true. He told me he never loved me…’
    ‘Lilah! That isn’t true, he did love you, I know he did.’
    Lilah smiled at her. ‘Well, he says not.’ She felt as though her head were clearing; there was a breeze off the sea and she felt suddenly better, miraculously better, as though she could get to her feet, as though she could run. ‘He was quite sure,’ she told Natalie, ‘he never loved me.’
    So it was a lie. As she’d said to Jen and to Andrew, as she kept discovering and rediscovering, truth is overrated. The truth was, that kiss lasted much too long and when Andrew pulled away, he did so only for a moment or two, and then she kissed him again, and that time he let her. Didn’t just let her: he picked her up, let the blankets fall away from her body and from his, he put her down on the bed and covered her body with his. That was the truth. It was also a lie, the kind of physical betrayal that happens sometimes when old lovers are together again. It was friendship, it was regret, healing, passion. It wasn’t love, it wasn’t the sort of love that he had for Natalie and that, Lilah felt sure, was the only thing that mattered.
    Natalie huddled closer to her and Lilah took the blanket that was spread over her own legs and flicked it out over her friend; they were like two old ladies, sitting out on the beach, waiting for sunset. They were quiet for a long time before Lilah spoke.
    ‘You have to make it right with him,’ she said. ‘Don’t tell me you can’t promise me, because you can.’
    ‘OK.’
    She couldn’t be sure, but she felt as though the temperature were dropping, as though the sky were darkening. Her mouth was dry, she couldn’t remember where she’d put her water bottle.
    ‘Now, where the fuck is Jen? I’m tired, Nat. I’m so tired. I’m ready to go now.’

 
     
    Tuesday 10th September, 2013
    Hello gorgeous girl
    Hope you doing OK. I have work until Thursday, I’m trying to get a flight out Thursday evening, but if not it might be Friday, as early as I can make it. I rang this morning, Dan said you and the girls went to the beach. I hope you’re not overdoing it. Save some energy for me, OK, because I have missed you these last few days. I miss your sweet smile.
    I love you Lilah, I do.
    I’ll see you very soon.
    Zac

Chapter Forty-nine

    LILAH DIED ON Thursday afternoon, a little before four, the sun still high in the sky.
    Jen knew something was wrong as soon as she saw Natalie, hurriedly packing up their things, waving at Jen to get a move on.
    ‘We need to go,’ Nat called out as Jen raced up the beach to join them. ‘Something’s not right.’ Lilah was still in the deckchair, but lolling to one side, head