Single Lady Spy 01 - The End of Me

climb and see the world for what it really was.
    I choked out a sob and stood up quickly, "Thank you." I scribbled on a cheque and left it on the desk. I turned and ran to the van, clicking the unlock button like it was broken.
    Inside the van, I wanted to lose it. I wanted to let myself slip into it, but they were watching me. I wiped my face and smiled, "MacDonald's?"
    Mitch wrinkled his nose and shook his head, "Grandma took us there yesterday. Can you just make eggs like Dad used to, with the hole in the bread?"
    My heart broke and my lip quivered as the tears flooded my face. The sounds coming from me were evidence of the struggle I was facing. I nodded, "Yeah," and started the van.
    Julie started to cry, "Mommy. Mommy." She sobbed with me, wiggling in her seat. She always cried when I did. Mitch wiped his eyes and looked down. I unbuckled my seatbelt and jumped from the van. I opened the sliding door with a savage jerk and ripped her from the chair, smothering her with my love, trying not to get any of my self-pity on her. The smell of raspberry shampoo in her golden curls seeped into my bones. I sobbed into her neck and waved at Mitch to come to me. He climbed forward. I grabbed his arm and dragged him to me. I wrapped myself around them as much as I could. I needed to shield them. They didn’t deserve the fate they got, and they didn’t need to know what all was in the package deal. They didn’t need to know about the wall of bullshit.
    The heaving, yet silent cries tearing from me, were painful. They made a sickening ache inside of me. It was like they were bouncing around in the hollowed walls that were once my chest.
    My head and neck were soaked from their tears as wails of the word "Mommy" filled my dark hair.
    We moved like an ocean of misery, rocking and swaying into each other, like we rode painful torrents of heartache. The blinding pain inside of me would never go away. Betrayal was a terrible feeling; it overshadowed the grief tenfold.
    "I love you, babies," I whispered when I ran out of tears.
    "I love you too. Can we go home and have eggs?" Jules asked and wiped her little chubby cheeks. She was so matter-of-fact. I laughed and wiped my face. I could at least be grateful, their pain was never going to be as bad as mine was. I would guarantee they would be spared the details.
    We sniffled and smiled and tried to be strong the whole ride home. I parked the van in the driveway and looked at my house. It was nice—fancy even. We lived a good life. I was grateful at least all of that would still be there… our life that we built together. We were two crazy military intelligence officers who fell in love and got pregnant and then married. We were happy against all of the odds that everyone believed would destroy our marriage. No one believed I could be capable of being a housewife.
    We had been cocky in our ability to make a marriage out of nothing; it had been easy.
    Of course, that was because it was a façade.
    His smile was gone forever, but it still broke my heart every time I saw it in my mind. The fake him with the fake smile would have to live on in our children. My heart was no longer going to allow him to take up space.
    I had to shut him out of it. I had to let him and his filth die together.
    I climbed out of the van and looked at the ringette and hockey gear against the other door. How would I afford it all? The money from the insurance was going to have to last the year until Jules started school full-time and then the rest would have to go to their schooling.
    I stared at the gear and shook my head. Baseball, soccer, dancing, skating, ringette, swimming and hockey. Two kids who played two sports a season. It never felt like too much before, but that was before I needed time scheduled for my daily dose of self-pity and a nap. I closed the van and added it to the list of shit I still didn’t have a plan for, which was everything. I wasn’t going to make it past his funeral, I was sure of that.
    My mom opened the door and smiled at me. She hugged Jules and rubbed Mitch's head. She was my godsend. I wished Dad were there for the second I had to watch them embracing. Her eyes were sweet and kind, soft brown and gentle, but they looked worried. She nodded at me, "There is a man in the office. A Mr. Wilkes. He was James' attorney."
    I swallowed and cringed inwardly. I didn’t want to see anyone. I wanted a hot bath and a glass of red and to be left with my tears and my plans.
    "I don't