Science of Discworld III

Roundworld, sir,’ said Ponder.
    ‘On that subject—’ Rincewind began, but Ridcully waved him away. ‘That at least can wait,’ he said. ‘We’ve established the timeline, it’s nice and stable, and we can—’
    ‘Er, I don’t think they want to wait, sir,’ said Rincewind, backing away.
    Shadows were pouring in to the Central Hall. Over the double staircase, a cloud was forming. It looked like the grey robe of an Auditor, but hugely bigger, and as the wizards watched the greyness darkened to coal-mine black.
    The bloated shape drifted forward, while hundreds more of the empty grey robes continue to merge with it.
    ‘And I think they’re a bit angry,’ Rincewind added.
    Trailing greyness after it, filling the hall from edge to edge, the Auditor bore down on the wizards.
    ‘Hex—’ Ponder began.
    ‘Too late,’ boomed the Auditor. ‘ We have control now. No magic, no science, no chocolate. We have to thank you for this place. Never was there a species so determined to destroy itself. In this world, we can win without trying! Do you know the wars you’ve unleashed upon this toy world? The plagues, the famine, the whole science of death? Are you not ashamed?’
    ‘What’s he talking about, Stibbons?’ said Ridcully, not taking his eyes off the cloud.
    ‘There are a number of wars in the next couple of hundred years, sir,’ said Ponder. ‘Big ones.’
    ‘Darwin’s fault?’
    ‘Er, sir.’
    ‘Just “er”, Stibbons?’
    ‘“Er” is a very precise term in this context, sir. It means we don’t have time for a big debate. But certainly the wars are bigger and more frequent than the ones that took place in the world of The Ology .’
    ‘Bad thing, then?’ said Ridcully, who liked his philosophy succinct.
    ‘Er again, sir, I’m afraid,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Care to expand?’
    ‘In short, sir, more people will die in wars, far fewer will die of disease and medical problems of all kinds. And humanity survives the snowball. The first humans left the planet in converted weapons of war, sir.’
    ‘That’s monkeys for you, Stibbons,’ said Ridcully. He looked up at the cloud of pure Auditor.
    ‘No, we’re not ashamed,’ he said. ‘Humans get a chance to go on.’
    ‘They won’t have earned it!’
    ‘Strange that this concerns you,’ said Ridcully.
    ‘Do you know the terrors that will confront them?’ the Auditor demanded. ‘And the terrors that they will bring with them?’
    ‘No, but I doubt if they’re worse that the ones they’ve met already,’ said Ridcully. ‘Anyway, you don’t care about them. You just want them to die quietly. Don’t you?’
    The Auditor shimmered. Ponder wondered how many Auditors had come together to create it. It seemed, now, to be hesitant, unsure …
    It said: ‘I want … I …’
    … and exploded into fog which, itself, faded away.
    ‘Not learned quite enough, then,’ said Ridcully, and sniffed. ‘Well, let’s send Darwin back and go home, shall we? I’m sure we’ve missed at least one meal. Where’s Rincewind?’
    +++ Hiding in the Minerals Gallery +++ said Hex.
    ‘Impressive. I didn’t even see him move. Oh well, I dare say you can pick him up later. Let’s go.’
    ‘What did it mean by the terrors they bring with them?’ said the Dean.
    ‘Well, they’re still monkeys,’ said Ridcully. ‘Still screaming at one another, trailing all that evolution behind them, wherever they go.’
    ‘Darwin said something like that, sir. In The Descent of Man ,’ said Ponder.
    ‘Good chap, Darwin,’ said Ridcully. ‘Would have made a good wizard.’
    ‘Did you know they put his statue in the canteen, sir?’ said Ponder, a little shocked.
    ‘Did they? Good idea,’ said Ridcully brusquely. ‘That way, every sensible person sees it. Ready, Hex.’
    And the Central Hall was empty again, apart from the fossils.
    Charles Darwin awoke. For a moment so brief that a blink ended it, there was a sense of complete disorientation. But then he sat up, feeling unaccountably exhilarated, and looked around at the tangled, busy bank, with its birds and flitting insects, and thought: Yes. That’s right. That’s how it is.
    1 See The Science of Discworld and The Science of Discworld II .

AFTERTHOUGHT
    The Darwin family motto:
    cave et aude .
    Watch, and listen.

INDEX
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