Killing Rain

our understanding that it would be the last time; despite knowing the cost.
    I didn’t know what the hell to say. “Oh, my God,” I think is what came out.
    I tried to pull myself together, but couldn’t really manage it. Eventually, though, I was able to revert to some sort of operational default. I found myself asking, “Who took the photo? You?”
    There was a pause, then he said, “No. It was taken by Yamaoto’s people.”
    I looked at him. My expression was neutral again. Thinking of Yamaoto helped me focus. It put me back on familiar ground.
    “Why?”
    “She is your only known civilian nexus. Yamaoto has people watch her from a distance, from time to time, in case you reappear in her life.”

    “Bastard needs a course in anger management.”
    “You defeated him twice. First, in intercepting the disk. Second, in dispatching his lieutenant, Murakami. He is a vain man with a long memory.”
    “Is she . . . are they, in danger?”
    “I don’t believe so. He is interested in her only as a means to get to you.”
    “How did you acquire the photo?”
    “A search of one of his affiliates’ belongings.”
    “Sanctioned search?”
    He shook his head. “Not exactly.”
    “Then there’s a chance the affiliate doesn’t know the photos are missing.”
    “I can assure you he doesn’t. My men downloaded the contents of his digital camera, but otherwise didn’t molest it. He has no way of knowing his belongings were examined. Yamaoto has no way of knowing you have discovered the existence of . . . your son.”
    There was a strange corporeality to those last words. They seemed to linger in the air.
    A son, I thought. It made no sense. My father had a son. But not I.
    “It’s . . . he’s a boy?” I asked.
    He nodded. “I made some discreet inquiries. She calls him Koichiro. Ko-chan.”
    “How do you even know . . . how can you be sure he’s mine?”
    He shrugged. “He looks like you, don’t you think?”
    I couldn’t even go there. I felt confused, and realized I was in some kind of mild shock.
    “Why did you show me this?” I asked, feeling like I was groping, flailing. I was thinking, Because I had made my adjustment. It was over, she might as well have been dead and gone, I was consoling myself with memories.

    Tormenting yourself, you mean.
    “Would you have preferred that I hadn’t?” he asked.
    “What’s the difference? Even if I wanted to, even if she wanted me to, I couldn’t contact her while Yamaoto is watching.”
    I paused and felt a flush of anger. I looked at him and said, “That’s why you told me.”
    He shrugged. “Certainly some of my motives were selfish. Some weren’t. You know as well as I do that you need a connection, you need something to pull you off the nihilistic path you’ve been treading. It seems that fate has taken a hand.”
    “Right. To get out of the killing business, all I need to do is kill a few more people.”
    “It does seem paradoxical when you put it that way. But yes, I believe you have accurately described the heart of the matter.”
    I shook my head, trying to understand. “I can’t see them unless I take out Yamaoto first.”
    “Yes.”
    “And Yamaoto is smart. He understands this dynamic. Which means he’s probably tightened his security as a result.”
    “He most certainly has.”
    I looked at him. “For Christ’s sake, why don’t you just arrest this fucking guy? What do they pay you for?”
    “Yamaoto is a prominent politician, with many protectors, as you know. If I tried to arrest him, I would simply lose my job. He is inaccessible by ordinary means.”
    “I don’t even know if she would see me. Why hasn’t she contacted me?”
    “Does she have your address?”
    “No. But she could have contacted you.”
    He shrugged. “Perhaps she is ambivalent. Who wouldn’t be? True, she didn’t contact you. On the other hand, she had your baby. She is the mother of your son.”

    “Oh, my God,” I said again. I felt dizzy.
    “It’s a strange thing, having a child,” he said. “It completely alters your most fundamental priorities. When my eldest daughter was born, I realized that I would do anything—anything—to protect her. If I had to set myself on fire to save her from something, I would do it with the utmost relief and gratitude. It’s quite a thing, quite a privilege, to care about someone so much that the measure of the worth of your own life is changed by it.”
    “I don’t know if I’m ready for all