Ender's Shadow

was something wrong with your squadron for several seconds before somebody called his attention to it. And even then, he tried to rouse you before assigning control to somebody else. If he'd acted faster you would have had six ships left, not just two.”
      " You pointed it out to him. You were watching me. Checking up on me.”
      "Petra, I watch everybody.”
      "You said you'd trust me, but you don't. And you shouldn't, nobody should trust me.”
      She broke into uncontrollable sobbing, leaning against the stone of the wall.
      A couple of officers showed up then, led her away. Not to her room.
     
     
     
      Graff called him in soon afterward. "You handled it just right," said Graff. "That's what you're there for.”
      "I wasn't quick either," said Bean.
      "You were watching. You saw where the plan was breaking down, you called Ender's attention to it. You did your job. The other kids don't realize it and I know that has to gall you --”
      "I don't care what they notice --”
      "But you did the job. On that battle you get the save.”
      "Whatever the hell that means.”
      "It's baseball. Oh yeah. That wasn't big on the streets of Rotterdam.”
      "Can I please go sleep now?”
      "In a minute. Bean, Ender's getting tired. He's making mistakes. It's all the more important that you watch everything. Be there for him. You saw how Petra was.”
      "We're all getting fatigued.”
      "Well, so is Ender. Worse than anyone. He cries in his sleep. He has strange dreams. He's talking about how Mazer seems to know what he's planning, spying on his dreams.”
      "You telling me he's going crazy?”
      "I'm telling you that the only person he pushed harder than Petra is himself. Cover for him, Bean. Back him up.”
      "I already am.”
      "You're angry all the time, Bean.”
      Graff's words startled him. At first he thought, No I'm not! Then he thought, Am I?
      "Ender isn't using you for anything important, and after having run the show that has to piss you off, Bean. But it's not Ender's fault. Mazer has been telling Ender that he has doubts about your ability to handle large numbers of ships. That's why you haven't been getting the complicated, interesting assignments. Not that Ender takes Mazer's word for it. But everything you do, Ender sees it through the lens of Mazer's lack of confidence.”
      "Mazer Rackham thinks I --”
      "Mazer Rackham knows exactly what you are and what you can do. But we had to make sure Ender didn't assign you something so complicated you couldn't keep track of the overall flow of the game. And we had to do it without telling Ender you're his backup.”
      "So why are you telling me this?”
      "When this test is over and you go on to real commands, we'll tell Ender the truth about what you were doing, and why Mazer said what he said. I know it means a lot to you to have Ender's confidence, and you don't feel like you have it, and so I wanted you to know why. We did it.”
      "Why this sudden bout of honesty?”
      "Because I think you'll do better knowing it.”
      "I'll do better believing it whether it's true or not. You could be lying. So do I really know anything at all from this conversation?”
      "Believe what you want, Bean.”
     
     
     
      Petra didn't come to practice for a couple of days. When she came back, of course Ender didn't give her the heavy assignments anymore. She did well at the assignments she had, but her ebullience was gone. Her heart was broken.
      But dammit, she had slept for a couple of days. They were all just the tiniest bit jealous of her for that, even though they'd never willingly trade places with her. Whether they had any particular god in mind, they all prayed: Let it not happen to me. Yet at the same time they also prayed the opposite prayer: Oh, let me sleep, let me have a day in which I don't have to think about this game.
      The tests went on. How many worlds did these bastards colonize before they got to Earth? Bean wondered. And are we sure we have them all? And what good does it do to destroy their fleets when we don't have the forces there to occupy the defeated colonies? Or do we just leave our ships there, shooting down anything that tries to boost from the surface of the planet?
      Petra wasn't the only one to blow out. Vlad went catatonic and couldn't be roused from his bunk. It took three days for the doctors to get him awake again, and unlike Petra, he was out for the duration. He just couldn't