Dr Jew

me about my dog—"
    "Oh, Dr. Jew!" he said. "Of course, of course. Forgive me, I was distracted. I was rewatching Rififi ."
    "A fine film," I said.
    "But enough of that," he said. "Yes, your dog machine – very interested, I'm very, very interested. Not a fan of dogs, and I wanted your device as soon as I read that article."
    "Well, I have had offers, but they 've been tepid. No one has the cajones to market it as I insist. They want to soften it up – say it scares dogs and sends them running – that sort of thing."
    "That sounds wretched. I like your original idea."
    "Me too. Plus it's easier to calibrate it full blast. I say go all the way, or screw it. No flaccid attacks."
    "That 's the spirit," said Alger. "Well, if I can help let me know. I really want one."
    "That 's very generous. Actually, I might take you up on that offer. If we got your endorsement – or better yet, have you in a commercial! – then I'm sure I could get major backing behind me."
    "I am busy, but for such a worthy cause I would make time."
    And so it was that less than a month later we had it streamlined for the assembly line, and I had a short, punchy little commercial delineated in my head.
    We had Alger flown to LA and we found a Spielberg-esque neighborhood that fit the bill perfectly. We gave the script a once-over and Alger said he was ready. Such a pro. We started filming.
    It began with Alger dottering along the pavement of this suburbia, minding his own, when from out of the blue a horde of wild dogs raced toward him. His gasp was audible and palpable. The dogs, a mongrel band of German Shepherds, Pit Bulls, and Dobermans, were half-starved, foaming, enraged. What was poor Alger to do? How could he prevent his destruction in the saliva-smeared mouths of these savage beasts?
    From his gray jacket Alger removed a hot pink device attached to his key chain. Was it for his car alarm? Or a garage door opener? Nay, neither, it's Dog Away. Alger pressed the button once, and with that his day and life are secured. We humans heard nothing, but the dogs (being dogs) heard it all and had only the briefest moment to apprehend the horrorshow barreling their way and pray to a strange dog god in heaven that their sins be forgiven. And whether the titled declarative All Dogs Go to Heaven is true could not be verified by us, the living, but the dogs soon knew the answer, for flying in midstep and all thoughts hellbent on slaughter and mangling the Alger, they in no way anticipated the sonic whine that hissed up each of their canine ear canals and found its way deep into the folds of their brains and set off a vibratory chain reaction not dissimilar to a nuclear detonation and having the desired effect of exploding each dog's head into a globular paste, a million little pieces, so the final story of each of those beings ended in death that day, in that moment.
    The commercial ended with Alger laughing and continuing to roll along on his legs, feeling like a million dollars, with the dog remnants bloodying his wheels, as more wild dogs converged on the scene, gentler and more cautious creatures, scavengers, hesitant to go near the bizarre creature that had initiated the massacre, but willing to cannibalize their exploded buddies. Yes, Alger was happy.
    The director yelled "Cut!" and I remember to this day how everyone was on edge because we had to get it right in one take – the budget was small, and dogs expensive. But it was perfect, and all parties went away smiling, and I had acquired a new chum with glittery Hollywood connections.
    He and I had brunch after we filmed. At that point in time, Alger had some human body parts left, and I was curious to learn how he liked being a cyborg. I felt him out, based on what I'd read about him.
    "I don 't like eggs," I said. "It's like eating a fart. How about you?"
    Alger 's robotic mask sniffed, as if trying to remember what it was to smell. "I don't wish to be rude," he said, "but I have trouble relating to the sense of smell. And taste. And the sense of touch. Actually, anything outside the audio-visual realm becomes less interesting to me with each operation."
    "I 'm sorry to hear that," I said. "I actually have a large interest in robotics. I don't doubt that we'll get all your senses up to speed in a few years."
    "God, I hope not. All that distraction. Just leave me with my movies."
    The Do g Away commercial was famous – and infamous – and Dog Away sold and sold. They were on the market