Deaths Excellent Vacation

just looked grubby. No wonder the crowds were smaller than I’d expected at the height of the season.
    Still, I enjoyed not having to stand in long lines for rides, and the games were a lot more fun now that I had werewolf strength and speed. Though I didn’t particularly need a plush sea monster or mermaid, I couldn’t resist the temptation to shock the stuffing out of the pirates manning the games when I repeatedly knocked the milk bottles off the table and hit the gong at the test- your-strength booth seven times in a row. When I got bored, I handed my prizes to the nearest little girls and went in search of junk food.
    As the day wore on, I told myself that the only reason I was sticking around was to watch the parade at dusk, with its fanciful floats, appropriately attired musicians and dancers, and cheap plastic doubloons thrown to the crowd. It had nothing to do with a yen to see if the night shift Pirate Dave was as good-looking as the one I remembered.
    In years past, the parade had paused in front of the Shiver-Me-Timbers Ice Cream Shoppe, which was about halfway through the route. That’s when Pirate Dave would announce that it was time to choose a Sea Queen to join him on his voyage. Candidates would gather in front of the float, and he would toss a bucketful of coins. Most of them would be plastic, but one was supposedly an actual doubloon, and the girl who caught it would be crowned Sea Queen and get to ride on the float with Pirate Dave for the rest of the parade. Though it was supposed to be random, the Sea Queen was invariably a toothsome wench, as Pirate Dave would proclaim, never a gawky teenager in braces like I’d been.
    I also told myself that I’d only stationed myself at Shiver-Me-Timbers because it was the best place to see the parade, but I couldn’t help noticing that quite a few other women were hanging around nearby. Maybe this meant that Pirate Dave was worth waiting for.
    As night fell, the parade started and I got my answer. As I’d remembered, there were elaborate floats, dancing wenches, and a pirate band. Plus they’d added a lively calypso group. I enjoyed it tremendously, despite the delay when one of the floats broke down and a new tractor had to be brought out to tow it for the rest of the route. Finally Pirate Dave arrived in command of a spectacular reproduction of his ship, the Brazen Mermaid .
    I think my heart actually stopped for a second. Unlike the rest of the park, Pirate Dave was just as gorgeous as ever. Maybe more so—surely he hadn’t dared to wear breeches that tight before. When the float stopped and he announced that he was seeking a Sea Queen, I joined the throng of eager women without thinking.
    I was watching his every movement, as were all the straight women in the crowd, but now I had werewolf-sharp senses, so when Pirate Dave held up the coveted golden doubloon, I could tell he was only pretending to toss it into a bucket of plastic coins, when he’d actually palmed it. I could also catch the way his eyes scanned the available women, and that tiny hesitation when he chose his target. The lucky gal—a tall, buxom blonde in a halter top—was just behind me. Knowing that, I knew exactly when he threw the doubloon toward the blonde and used my better-than-human reflexes to jump at just the right moment to snatch it before she could.
    I held it triumphantly over my head, smiling when I heard the blonde mutter, “Bitch!” After all, it was truer than she knew.
    As for Pirate Dave, he was shocked but hid it quickly and said, “Arr, a toothsome wench indeed. Join me, my Sea Queen!”
    The crowd cheered as I made my way to the float, where a pirate flunky waited to help me up the rope ladder.
    “Permission to come aboard?” I asked.
    “Oh, the boardin’ will come later,” Pirate Dave said with a roguish grin, and the crowd roared.
    Once I climbed the ladder, Dave put his arm around my waist and pulled me to the front of the float.
    “And what be your name?” he asked.
    “Joyce.”
    “Queen Joyce, then.” To the crowd he proclaimed, “All hail Queen Joyce, the fairest maiden to ever sail the seven seas!” The flunkies led the crowd in a chorus of “Arr!” and the float started moving again.
    As we waved to the crowd, Pirate Dave said, “That were a worthy catch you made.”
    “I bet you say that to all the Sea Queens.”
    He laughed and dropped into the kind of small talk he probably made with all the Sea Queens. What was my home