Under the Dusty Sky (Holloway Farms)

learns about me.
    He leans in for a short soft kiss that does more to my heart and my mind than any full-on make-out session has ever done before he pulls me into his chest. Guilt washes over me as the realization of what I did sinks in yet again. Not that I feel bad because of Bentley, because he’s obviously a lot more sane than I am. I feel bad because of me. This is a memory that won’t go away. My mistake. Just like I was my mom’s mistake. I dragged Dermott into it when I shouldn’t have. I wanted it so badly I didn’t think about him.
    How I hurt Lacy, Dermott, and Bentley rips at my chest, and I hug Ben tighter. How I yelled at my dad for wanting to be happy, for trying to be happy. How I made sure my brother and my best friend felt guilty about how they felt for each other. All because of her. But Ben’s right.
    “ I’m going to talk to him.” I mumble into Ben’s chest, and he pulls back to look at me.
    “ Who?” he asks, and my chest constricts. I have a lot of people to apologize to.
    “ My dad. I’ll give him back the book. I’ll ask him. He probably won’t tell me, but I’ll ask.”
    Ben touches my face for the millionth time, but I lean into it. In this moment, I feel like I’ll never tire of it. I want him to touch my face always, with that gentle tentative stroke of his thumb across my cheek. In this moment. That’s what he asked for. For right now.
    Not the future. Not forever.
    Right now.
    The Ben feeling pushes out all my fear and all my memories as he soaks me up with those eyes.
    “ I want to kiss you. But I need to know you’re okay. With it, I mean. You’ve had a pretty intense weekend.”
    He chuckles under his breath, but his eyes are so serious.
    “ I’m not okay. Not yet. But I like you, Bentley. I always have. I just didn’t want to. I’ve never had the Ben Feeling before.”
    His eyebrows pull sharply together. “The Ben Feeling?”
    My face heats up.
    “ The way I feel when I’m around you. I’ve never felt it before, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I tried to hide from it. Make it go away, no matter what. But it’s still here. It’s here right now, in every part of me. I’m scared of it, but now I don’t want it to go away. I wish I would have listened to it earlier.”
    I barely take a breath after finishing, and Ben has me wrapped up in his arms, his lips on mine. He’s crushing me to his body, like he’s trying to pull me inside, and I do the same. It’s a kiss I’ve never experienced before. Not hungry but urgent, not frantic but passionate, not slow but almost as if it’s happening in slow motion. Everything else is gone. Nothing else matters but right now. Not the apologies I have to make, not the friendships I have to mend, not the forgiving of myself I have to do.
    In this moment.
    I can feel him. I can hear him. I can taste him, because I’m living in him right now.
    It’s not a memory to collect. It’s not a feeling that I’ve sculpted to fit some idea.
    It’s real.
    It’s happening right now.
    It’s beyond perfect.

CHAPTER 27
    Graceland
    My heart sputters as I step into the kitchen. I take one more quick look at Ben through the screen door. He smiles encouragingly at me before turning and heading out to the field.
    The sunlight stretches across the huge kitchen, making it bright and warm and inviting. Dad’s sitting in his spot at the table, sipping his coffee and reading the paper. Today should be warm enough to dry out the rest of the hay so they can continue harvesting, so Dad looks happy. He always smiles as he reads the paper when the weather is good. He looks up as I cut a shadow in the light.
    “ Morning, Bug. You done your chores?” He still sounds a little mad at me, but I guess I don’t blame him. I was a total bitch.
    Clutching the book behind my back, I shift back and forth a few times before he picks up on my discomfort and frowns. I don’t know how to start. I didn’t think about how to start.
    “ Are you okay?” he asks, and I decide just to go for it. I place the book in front of him, and it falls open to the page of my birthday entry.
    I’ve never seen his eyes so wide. The color drains from his face, and his eyes flash with so many things it scares me.
    “ Where did you get this?” He scoops up the book and looks at the page, his eyes filling with sadness, which looks unnatural on him.
    “ I stole it. A long time ago.” I try really hard to keep my voice steady and my body upright.
    “ Why