The Mysteries of Brambly Hollow

deep booming voice, sending a series of ripples through the rolls of soft milky flesh that dangled from her throat like the scooped neckline of a chunky jumper, before vanishing beneath the V neck of her nylon overall. In a startling hue of phosphorescent flamingo pink, Meli was certain that she would be visible from the moons surface, if the light caught it just right - maybe she should notify NASA? They could easily adapt the technology, so the whole world could watch their rockets floating around in outer space - the stretchy nylon straining against the physical thrust of her extremely ample bosom, which closely resembled the nose cones of two space rockets emerging from her chest like silos, the poppers valiantly holding everything together. Meli wondered whether the excess folds of flesh around her throat were in fact bulging portions of breast meat.
    “ Morning,” hurtling her gaze upwards, Meli returned the greeting, meeting the pair of deep mahogany eyes that were watching her closely. She hoped that the other woman hadn’t read her mind. She couldn’t tell anything from the reflective coating.
    “Happy birthday. Forty-one today, so I hear.”
    Meli was staggered by the felicitation. How could Mrs. Barber possibly know that it was her birthday, let alone her age? “How did you….?” she blurted.
    “ Those darling boys of yours,” (surely she didn’t mean David and George?) “told Mrs. Dunn, who told Mrs. Manning, who told… Get the picture?” Her usually static expression lifted a fraction. Surely that wasn’t a hint of humour?
    Meli managed a tenuous smile, slightly disconcerted, and not for the first time since moving to Farfield, by the realization that nothing was secret in the village. Sometimes this aspect of rural life made her feel that she was living in a fish bowl, her every move watched, monitored and reported on. She would have to have words with the boys about being more discreet. She hoped she would not be inundated with reminders that it was her birthday. The shadow of her earlier gloomy mood descended over her, and threatened to flatten her under its heel. Aware that her smile was slipping from her face like a mudslide, she switched her attention to the paper rack, which didn ’t give a hoot how she looked at it, and after frowning at the front pages for a moment, picked up a copy of the Daily Mail.
    “ How’s the plumbing going?” Mrs. Barber enquired as she took Meli’s money. Meli’s right eyebrow stretched upwards like a drawn bow string. “Mr. Swindon told Mrs. Manning when he was changing some sink washers, who told…” she quickly reeled off a list of names, some of whom Meli had never heard of and she couldn’t for the life of her imagine why she and her plumbing would be of any interest to them! Village life was going to take some getting used to.
    “ Slow,” she replied, wondering if Mrs. Barber had a secret tape recorder planted under the counter, which she would play back to villagers at clandestine gatherings on full moons. “According to Mr. Swindon, the problem has something to do with the lodge remaining empty for so long after the conversion was complete.” Mrs. Barber concertinaed her thick lips and nodded knowingly, as though a two celled amoeba would know that. Meli wondered if she really had such a good grasp of plumbing, or whether Mr. Swindon, or the village grapevine, had already told her this.
    “ It does seem strange that Elsa left it empty for so long, doesn’t it? Having gone to the expense of having it converted,” Mrs. Barber commented. “Everyone was totally amazed when the work began, especially when Elsa made all the arrangements herself, and even went out of the area for a building company.”
    Meli listened spellbound. This was the first time Mrs. Barber had come close to sharing any local intelligence with her. Previously all topics of conversation had been notably one way, always about the Noble family and what they had been up to. On a couple of occasions, Meli had even found out things about her own family that she hadn ’t known herself!
    For a moment, Mrs. Barber ’s expression went blanker than a street lamp during a power cut as she stared inward, rooting through a wasteland of discarded brain cells as she tried to make some sense of it all. “It must have cost her the earth.” At this point power was restored, light returning to her eyes as they locked back on Meli’s. Propping her builders elbows on the counter