The inimitable Jeeves

touch my uncle for any more, so it was a case of buzzing round to the agents and getting a job. I’ve been down there three weeks.’
    ‘I haven’t met the Glossop kid.’
    ‘Don’t!’ advised Bingo, briefly.
    ‘The only one of the family I really know is the girl.’ I had hardly spoken these words when the most extraordinary change came over young Bhigo’s face. His eyes bulged, his cheeks flushed, and his Adam’s apple hopped about like one of those india-rubber balls on the top of the fountain in a shooting-gallery.
    ‘Oh, Bertie!’ he said, in a strangled sort of voice.
    I looked at the poor fish anxiously. I knew that he was always falling in love with someone, but it didn’t seem possible that even he could have fallen in love with Honoria Glossop. To me the girl was simply nothing more nor less than a pot of poison. One of those dashed large, brainy, strenuous, dynamic girls you see so many of these days. She had been at Girton, where, in addition to enlarging her brain to the most frightful extent, she had gone in for every kind of sport and developed the physique of a middle-weight catch-as-catch-can wrestler. I’m not sure she didn’t box for the Varsity while she was up. The effect she had on me whenever she appeared was to make me want to slide into a cellar and lie low till they blew the All Clear.
    Yet here was young Bingo obviously all for her. There was no mistaking it. The love light was in the blighter’s eyes.
    ‘I worship her, Bertie! I worship the very ground she treads on!’ continued the patient, in a loud, penetrating voice. Fred Thompson and one or two fellows had come hi, and McGarry, the chappie behind the bar, was listening with his ears flapping. But there’s no reticence about Bingo. He always reminds me of the hero of a musical comedy who takes the centre of the stage, gathers the boys round him in a circle, and tells them all about his love at the top of his voice.
    ‘Have you told her?’
    ‘No, I haven’t the nerve. But we walk together in the garden most evenings, and it sometimes seems to me that there is a look in her eyes.’
    ‘I know that look. Like a sergeant-major.’
    ‘Nothing of the kind! Like a tender goddess.’
    ‘Half a second, old thing,’ I said. ‘Are you sure we’re talking about the same girl? The one I mean is Honoria. Perhaps there’s a younger sister or something I’ve not heard of?’
    ‘Her name is Honoria,’ bawled Bingo reverently.
    ‘And she strikes you as a tender goddess?’
    ‘She does.’
    ‘God bless you!’ I said.
    ‘She walks in beauty like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies; and all that’s best of dark and bright meet in her aspect and her eyes. Another bit of bread and cheese,’ he said to the lad behind the bar.
    ‘You’re keeping your strength up,’ I said.
    ‘This is my lunch. I’ve got to meet Oswald at Waterloo at one-fifteen, to catch the train back. I brought him up to town to see the dentist.’
    ‘Oswald? Is that the kid?’
    ‘Yes. Pestilential to a degree.’
    ‘Pestilential! That reminds me, I’m lunching with my Aunt Agatha. I’ll have to pop off now, or I’ll be late.’
    I hadn’t seen Aunt Agatha since that little affair of the pearls; and, while I didn’t anticipate any great pleasure from gnawing a bone in her society, I must say that there was one topic of conversation I felt pretty confident she wouldn’t touch on, and that was the subject of my matrimonial future. I mean, when a woman’s made a bloomer like the one Aunt Agatha made at Roville, you’d naturally think that a decent shame would keep her off it for, at any rate, a month or two.
    But women beat me. I mean to say, as regards nerve. You’ll hardly credit it, but she actually started in on me with the fish. Absolutely with the fish, I give you my solemn word. We’d hardly exchanged a word about the weather, when she let me have it without a blush.
    ‘Bertie,’ she said, ‘I’ve been thinking again about you and how necessary it is that you should get married. I quite admit that I was dreadfully mistaken in my opinion of that terrible, hypocritical girl at Roville, but this time there is no danger of an error. By great good luck I have found the very wife for you, a girl whom I have only recently met, but whose family is above suspicion. She has plenty of money, too, though that does not matter in your case. The great point is that she is strong, self-reliant and sensible, and will counterbalance