Silence Of The Hams

relationship with my mother-in-law, about whom I said a few nasty things, I’m afraid. He even wanted to know who I inherited the money from, stuff like that.“
    “Why did he need to know that?“ Shelley asked.
    “I don’t know. But it was creepy. And he was taking notes of everything I said. I quit pouring out personal information, asked a few questions, then got out of there,“ Jane said.
    “But Jane, lots of people would love being asked all about themselves,“ Shelley said. “I’m always getting survey calls on the phone from people who are apparently amazed that I won’t tell them my age and the family income. They whine about how the survey won’t be valid without it, which leads me to think that other people are so flattered at being asked their opinions that they do give that information.”
    Jane laughed. “Little do the surveyors know that there are people who would happily pay you to keep your opinions to yourself. Like the school principal, the PTA president, the entire IRS, that police officer who tried to give you a parking ticket—”
    Shelley sat up very straight. “That wasn’t an opinion. It was a definition. Parking and standing are two distinctly different things and the officer agreed with me—eventually.“
    “Agreed? I heard he was weeping openly when you got through with him,“ Jane said.
    Suzie laughed. “Here I am lurking in the dark, trying to catch a rich husband, and all I catch is the two of you! What a waste of a beautiful spring evening.”

    “So what did you decide about Mike’s graduation gift?“ Shelley asked a little later.
    Shelley and Jane had determined that after their ordeal they were richly entitled to a cup of coffee and a donut and were sitting at Jane’s kitchen table, indulging. Jane’s big yellow dog, Willard, was watching every bite either of them took, hoping for crumbs.
    Jane leaned back and looked into the living room to make sure Mike wasn’t there. “Oh, a car. I haven’t got any choice. This is a delivery job he has this summer and Conrad can’t afford to supply a vehicle. If Mike takes my car, I’m stranded. Katie’s teaching at the Vacation Bible School and can walk, but Todd’s got soccer team and guitar lessons, and I can’t expect somebody else to drive him all the time. Mike will need a car for college anyway. He’s determined to go to school in-state and come home often. I think he feels like I can’t get along without him nearby.“
    “Can you?”
    Jane laughed. “I’m not a complete incompetent even if I can’t make policemen cry.“
    “I thought your mother-in-law had offered to get him a car,“ Shelley said.
    “She didn’t exactly offer. She dangled the possibility in front of me, but she was planning to get a new car herself and give him her old gray battleship of a Lincoln. He’d rather die than be seen driving an old-lady car like that, and I can’t say that I blame him. So I. convinced her I’d get him a car and she’s getting him a computer instead.“
    “You can afford it, can’t you? After all, you get Steve’s third of the pharmacy profits and they seem to be doing well. Didn’t they just open another one?“
    “Yes, but I’m still putting half of it into the kids’ college trusts, so my budget is pretty tight. The scary thing is, it’s only three years until I face the same thing with Katie, and in the meantime my poor old station wagon will have to be replaced. It’s practically an antique now.”
    Shelley shuddered. “Imagine our girls driving!”
    Jane bit her tongue to keep from replying. If Denise turned out to be the same kind of driver her mother was, the neighborhood had a great deal to fear. Shelley’s natural competitiveness reached its highest and worst point when she got behind the wheel of a car. The act of turning a key in the ignition triggered something wild and savage in her otherwise ladylike soul.
    Shelley, guessing Jane’s thoughts, grinned. “So what kind of car?“
    “Uncle Jim’s letting me know. He’s been taking Mike with him, pretending he’s looking for a car himself, and finding out what kinds Mike likes.“
    “But you’re going to go buy it?”
    Jane put her head in her hands. “I’m afraid so. I’m dreading it.”
    Shelley’s eyes sparkled. “Oh, it could be fun.“
    “Fun? Are you crazy?”
    Shelley grinned. “A feather in my cap. I’ve never made a car salesman cry. Yet.”

2

    The salesman didn’t cry. But he didn’t have much fun,