Shoe Strings

of my father’s associates.   It was the first time I’d ever been of any use to him.”   She remembered how he’d encouraged the
relationship, told her not to deny him anything.   “When I found out I was pregnant, my
father was furious and the associate’s son, he said we’d never been
together.”   She looked up at Jesse
for the first time.   “I’d never been
with anyone else.   My father
believed him and threw me out of the house.”
    Suddenly exhausted, she sank into the couch, clutched her
knees to her chest and, without realizing it, she began to rock.   “I stayed with our housekeeper’s family
for a few months until I could get an apartment of my own, worked as a waitress
and started making shoes.”   It felt
like there was a rock on her chest, a big boulder that would crush her if she didn’t
get it off.   “My water broke at
work, three weeks before my due date.   I was so scared.   I wasn’t
ready yet; I hadn’t packed a suitcase or made arrangements to be off
work…”   She swiped her nose and
struggled against the sob she felt bubbling up.   “He was so beautiful.   Had a head full of black hair, ten
perfect fingers and toes.   He never
took a breath.”   The dam broke.   Hard, wracking sobs pulsed through every
nerve of her body, singeing a path to a place she’d determined never to go
again.   She felt Jesse’s arms around
her and didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to push him away.   Sorrow, so long buried, felt like a
presence in the room.  
    She didn’t know how long she cried, didn’t realize she
clutched at Jesse, didn’t know his arms held her tight.   She didn’t realize telling the story
would feel like living it all over again and that, when it was over, she’d feel
hollowed out.  
    She first registered Jesse’s soft murmurs when she came back
into the present, felt his hands on her back moving gently up and down, tasted
her tears on his chest.   He’d asked
for her worst and, by God, he’d gotten it.   If she hadn’t been so exhausted, she’d have been mortally embarrassed.   She eased back slowly, felt the gentle
give of his arms.   He didn’t let go
completely and the look he gave her screamed of sympathy.   “I need a tissue.”   She felt unsure as to whether her legs
would support her and watched as he rushed to bring the box within reach.   She blew her nose twice and then sat
back into the couch.   “I’m sorry.   I think I’m done now.”
    “You don’t ever have to apologize for your feelings.”   He sat down on the couch, thankfully
giving her some room to breathe and try to piece together her tattered
emotions.   “I hope you don’t
misunderstand when I say I’m sorry for what you went through, that you went
through it alone.   It makes
everything you’ve done with your life since even more impressive.”
    “I wasn’t trying to impress you, Jesse.”
    “You never have,” he said with a sideways grin.   “That’s one of the things I love about
you.”
    Her cried out eyes filled again.   “You’re a glutton for punishment.”
    “Yeah.”   He wiped
the tear from her cheek.   “So what
do we do now?”
    She had to be honest.   The worst was out and he had to understand the rest.   “You go back home, I go back to work,
and we remember this time together as…”   Everything, she wanted to say.   Absolutely everything.   “A
really wonderful experience.”  
    The tender look on his face vanished, replaced with
what?   She couldn’t tell if he was
angry, sad, or just disappointed.   His words cleared it right up.   “You’re giving up on us, aren’t you?”   He shot up from the couch, paced away,
only to turn back around to face her again.   “You’re afraid.   You’re scared to death I’m not sincere,
that I’m going to bolt or stop loving you.”   He shook his head and waited for an
explanation.
    If he hadn’t been right, his words wouldn’t have stung so
much.   “Jesse, you said yourself you
want to fill your house with children.   Every bedroom, you said.”   She blew her nose again, stood up on shaky legs.   “I can’t give you children.   I won’t ever go through that again.   It’s not fair to ask you to stay with
me, have a relationship with me when it’s destined to end.”
    “Angelita, just because you had one bad experience—”
    “One bad experience?”   She held up her palms.   “Jesse, my baby died!   It
almost crushed me.