My Secret Lover

of
Apricot Andrex right across the classroom.
    ‘Anyone got any ideas?’
    Several little heads duck down,
several tongues come out of mouths.
    ‘Miss?’
    ‘Yes, Dean.’
    ‘Pooey?’
    A Mexican wave of giggles goes round
the circle.
    ‘I meant before you use it.’
    ‘I know, I know, I know.’
    ‘Yes, Geri?’
    ‘Soft, strong and very long!’
    ‘Very good.’
    ‘Any others?’
    Blank faces.
    ‘That’s what it says on television,’
says Geri defensively.
    Better not push it because I can’t think
of any other properties myself right now.
    Absorbent! That’s a good one, but
might be worth saving until we get to the kitchen towel.
    ‘Would somebody like to choose a different
piece of paper and tell us something about it?’
    No volunteers.
    ‘What do we call this sort of paper?’
    ‘Newspaper,’ says Dean with a yawn.
    ‘Has anyone seen one of these at
home?’
    Only four out of thirty hands go up.
    I don’t know why I’m shocked. If I’m
honest, I only ever look at the TV listings.
    ‘What is a newspaper like?’
    ‘It’s black and white and red all
over,’ Robbie volunteers.
    ‘Excellent. That’s a joke as well,
isn’t it, Robbie? Do you know why it’s funny? Stop that.’
    ‘Don’t know.’
    ‘It’s funny because a newspaper is
black and white, and we read it. So it’s read as well. The reading sort of
read. Not the colour sort of red. Yes, Dean?’
    ‘My dad’s newspaper is black and
white and red coloured .’
    OK, so it’s a joke from a pre-tabloid
cracker, but we don’t want to go there.
    ‘What other words describe newspaper?
Oh, look, here’s Ms Green. Can you help us?’
    Fern thinks for a moment.
    ‘Recyclable?’
    Thanks a million, Fern.
    ‘Does anyone know what recycling is?
Yes, Gwyneth?’
    ‘It’s when you put newspaper outside
in a green box.’
    ‘Good. And does anyone know what
happens to all that old newspaper?’
    ‘It gets all soggy because the bloody
van never comes when it’s supposed to,’ says Nicole.
    ‘What happens is they make new
newspaper. So they won’t have to cut down so many trees. Now, if you’ve been
listening, Robbie, you might have an answer to my next question. Which is where
does paper come from?
    Getting further and further away from
properties, but never mind. Lesson plans are my weak spot. That’s what the
Ofsted inspector said. Bastard!
    ‘Yes, Dean?’
    ‘Why do they make new newspaper, when
they’ve thrown away all the old newspaper?’
    He’s a very bright child.
    I think of the hours I spent with his
brother Wayne trying to get him to write his name correctly. The memory is sepia-coloured
now and tinged with nostalgia.
     
    ‘You OK?’ Richard Batty asks.
    We are kneeling on our staffroom
chairs with our heads out of the window. A large drop of water from the damaged
guttering above the window explodes right next to my eye.
    Richard Batty lights his second
cigarette from the tip of his first. What is it in cigarettes that makes them
stay burning even in a downpour?
    ‘Fine, thanks.’
    ‘You look a bit tired.’
    ‘Late night.’
    ‘I like your hair like that.’
    Normally I tie it back, but today it
is hanging round my face.
    I’ve had quite a few hair styles in
my time, especially during my twenties when Michelle was doing her course. My
hair is naturally brown, and these days, I have a plain bob, which even
Michelle finds hard to make ‘interesting’ although she’s always trying to tempt
me with a Mahogany tint, or Chestnut low lights.
    ‘Thanks. Is New Andy here today?’
    Oops. Bit of a give-away connecting
him with the loose hair.
    ‘I don’t suppose we’ll be seeing him
again until someone gets sick,’ Richard says, with a little smile and a
satisfied drag on his Rothmans.
    I shoot a glance back at the witches.
Miss Goodman has put her coat on as a non-verbal protest about the open window.
I wish a prolonged virus on all of them, but they are in cackling rude health
and I’ve risked nits for nothing.

4
     
    There are two new messages in my
Inbox which gives me a little fillip of excitement, a bit like getting an
envelope in the post with handwriting you don’t recognize. Actually, these days
it’s more often than not a charity appeal, and the handwriting is computer
generated just to fool you, but at least you sometimes get a free pen.
     
    Reduce Ageing and Burn Off Fat
    Still single?
     
    Is it just me, or does everyone get
unsolicited e-mail that uncannily taps into their current