If I Tell

his eyes, I saw his regret. His shame.
    “I know,” he said.
    “It’s done. So now do me a favor and don’t tell her,” I repeated.
    He hung his head again, speaking to the carpet. “It was a horrible mistake, Jaz. I love your mom. I love our baby. I’ll do anything to protect them. Anything. Nothing like that will ever happen again.”
    I stared at him, thoughts running through my head, and swallowed a lump. “Good.”
    The baby monitor crackled, and Joe began to chortle and cough.
    We both shot to our feet.
    “Sit.” Simon smiled, a sad, tired effort. He started toward the stairs. “I’ve got him.”
    I bit my lip, holding in tears. “You’re here to stay?”
    His eyes glistened. “I am. I promise. I am.”
    I reached for my dangling charm, rubbing it between my fingers. “Okay,” I said quietly.
    And then I smiled. “But if you ever do something like that again, I swear I’ll castrate you.”
    He winced as he put his hand on the stair railing. “Got it.” He turned back. “This is what you were writing about, isn’t it?” he asked. “Your song? I’m the one who betrayed you?”
    I nodded.
    He pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I really am sorry. And not just that I got caught.”
    He went up the stairs to comfort my brother. Tears dripped down my cheeks as I hugged myself. Some things just can’t be undone. But he wasn’t a horrible person. Not all the way through.
    I didn’t want to be either.
    “I forgive you,” I whispered. Maybe someday I would tell him in person.

chapter nineteen
    I walked into Grinds clutching Jackson’s hoodie close, inhaling his smell and trying to be brave. I checked behind the coffee counter. He was working. I slowly walked toward him. He glanced up and his eyes gave me a sense of his hostility, but I forced myself to keep moving. Mission. I had a mission. He deserved an apology. I planned to ask for his forgiveness. See if he could give me that, see if we could go back to being friends. It was all he’d wanted from me anyway. I’d take it. If he could forgive me. That part of the decision wasn’t mine.
    I thought about what I’d been rehearsing. I’d start with a joke. Jackson couldn’t resist a laugh.
    “Hey,” I said. “What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?”
    He blinked without even cracking a smile. Remembering my resolve, I stood straighter. I wouldn’t want to run from this.
    “De-calf-inated.”
    His eyes didn’t even sparkle.
    “I’m sorry,” I started to say, but he’d flipped on the espresso machine and nothing I said would be heard over the racket. I waited until the noise died down.
    “I’m so sorry about the awful things I said,” I told him when the machine went silent. I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I don’t think you’re a faker. I mean, it’s not your fault you don’t look biracial, and there’s no way you should act, and you totally deserve sharing the heritage. I was just trying to hurt you. It was stupid. And immature and I didn’t mean it.”
    He slowly drizzled chocolate over a coffee drink but didn’t look up.
    My cheeks warmed and I took a deep breath. “The thing is, I was embarrassed for, um, kissing you. And I just kind of popped when I found out you had a girlfriend. I mean, it’s no excuse, but I’d been holding so many things in, and when I got mad at you, everything seemed to come to the surface and I went for your blood. It wasn’t fair.”
    I waited but Jackson kept working, not looking at me. “I guess I read our relationship all wrong, and when I realized you had a girlfriend, it mortified me. See, I was kind of dumb, and I thought there might be something more than just friendship.” My cheeks blazed but I made myself keep going. I’d practiced the speech in my mind a million times. “I’m stupid, and I lashed out at you to cover up my own humiliation. I didn’t mean what I said. It’s not true. None of it. I’m very sorry.”
    I understood a little of how Nathan had felt now. Why he’d lashed out at me. Lacey had said he had a thing for me, and it was unrequited just like me with Jackson. It hurt, but I wouldn’t let that be an excuse to act like a total jerk.
    Jackson lifted the coffee drink he was making and placed it on the counter. A woman stepped out from behind me, gave me a compassionate glance, and reached for her coffee. I forced myself to stay still and not run away in horror. The woman took her drink and left, but first she smiled at