Detective

came in through the switchboard. The operator rang my secretary’s number. She answered. It was a man asking for me. She’d never heard his voice before. She asked his name. He gave her his name and the name of a company we do business with. She put him on hold and rang. me. I recognized the name of the company, but not the name of the man. I told her I’d take it. I pushed the button for the line and said, ‘Hello.’ The line immediately went dead.”
    “Maybe the call got disconnected while he was on hold.”
    “No. You can tell the difference. The line was open when I picked it up. I said ‘Hello’ and it went dead.”
    “Yeah, but—”
    “Wait a minute. I called the company he said he worked for. They’d never heard of him.”
    “When was this?”
    “This morning. Just now. I figured it was them. They were just checking to see if I was at work. That’s why I got out of there. I was afraid they were coming for me. Or if not, they’d be waiting for me to get off work. So I left. I didn’t know where I was going, I just wanted to get out of there. I guess I panicked. Anyway, I got out of there fast. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know where I was going. I was just going. Then I saw your sign.”
    I sighed. Shit. That goddamn sign. The ball was in my court now, and this guy was about to discover I didn’t have a backhand.
    “So?”
    “So that’s the story.”
    “No it isn’t. You said you wanted to kill someone.”
    “Yeah.”
    “Who?”
    “Whoever’s trying to kill me.”
    “And who do you think that is?”
    “I don’t know.”
    I gave him a look.
    “All right, all right,” he said. “I do know. It’s Bambi and Pluto, for Christ’s sake! But it’s not them I have to watch out for. They’ll send somebody. Somebody who kills people. Jesus, what have I gotten myself into?”
    I took a deep breath. “Look,” I said, “I know you’re upset. I’m trying to make allowances. But you’re not making very much sense. Just what are you going to do?”
    He tugged out his handkerchief and mopped his face again. “All right,” he said. “I don’t think anyone followed me here. I think I’m safe now. So I’m going to stay out all day. I won’t go back to the office and I won’t go to my apartment. Then tonight I’m gonna drop by the casino, place a couple of bets and leave. I won’t stay long enough to get involved in any conversations. I’ll just pop in and out.”
    “And?”
    “I’ll see who follows me.”
    “How?”
    “That’s where you come in.”
    “I see. You want me to stake out the casino and get a line on anyone who tries to follow you when you leave.”
    “That’s right.”
    “And then you’re going to kill that person.”
    This time he didn’t bother with the handkerchief, he just mopped his brow with his hand. “Ah, shit, I really don’t want to kill anybody. I mean, when I said that I was upset. Besides, it wouldn’t do me any good. Obviously the guy’s not doing it for himself, he’s doing it for the other guys. What I really want to do is head the guy off, buy some time, try to figure some way to get these people off my back. I don’t want to wind up with my dick in my mouth.”
    “I understand the sentiment.”
    “That’s also where you come in. I may not be able to spot the guy who’s following me. I probably won’t. Now, he may just tail me. In that case, all I need is for you to get a line on him, tell me who he is. But he may try to take me out right then and there. In that case, I need protection. Now, I understand your not wanting to get involved in a murder, but I take it you would have no scruples about defending a private citizen from assault.”
    It was time to end the game.
    “Look, Mr. Albrect, I have to tell you something. What you really want is a bodyguard, and I’m not it.”
    He looked betrayed. “You’re a detective. You’ve heard my story. Forget what I said about killing someone. I’m not asking you to do anything illegal.”
    “I know. You just picked the wrong guy.”
    “But—”
    “Look, I’m not going to argue with you. Just let me tell you who I am. Then you decide if you want me.”
    I paused, groping for the right words. None came, so I plunged right in. “I’m not really a detective.”
    He opened his mouth to protest.
    “Well, I am, but I’m not,” I said. “I chase ambulances.”
    “What?”
    “I’m an ambulance chaser. Look, you know all the lawyers that advertise on TV for