Deathstalker 07 - Deathstalker Return

Unfortunately, the original captain of the Hereward had only recently landed on Lo-gres and hadn't got around to replenishing his stores, which meant what supplies remained were very basic and severely limited in number. Even with the most efficient recycling and the most drastically reduced rations, Lewis and his companions were going to run out of food and water all too soon, if they didn't find some planet where they could land safely. And there weren't many worlds left in the Empire where outlaws were welcome—not in these civilized and law-abiding days.
    "I swear, this stuff probably tastes better coming up than it does going down," said Jesamine, staring disgustedly at the barely nibbled protein cube in her hand. "Lepers who eat their own extremities would turn up what was left of their noses at this. And the last time I smelled anything like this it was floating in a bucket marked 'Hospital Medical Waste.'"
    "Thank you for sharing that with us," said Brett, not looking up from his display screen. "Why don't you have some nice distilled water to take your mind off it? That stuff's so pure it tastes of something you drank three weeks ago."
    "I know the provisions are vile, and I hate to think how many times it's already been recycled through someone else's system, but it's all there is," Lewis said tiredly. "It'll do to keep us alive till we get where we're going. Try not to think about it."
    "I am a star!" snapped Jesamine. "My palate has been trained and sensitized to experience only the very best of the culinary arts! I am a diva! I have whole armies of fans who would crawl naked across broken glass just to chill my wine for me! I am not accustomed to slumming it! God, I'd kill for a champagne mouthwash…"
    "Sorry again, one and all," the ship's AI, Ozymandias, said cheerfully. "But it seems the yacht's previous captain put all his money into upgrading his defenses, and didn't have anything left over for luxuries like food transformation tech. On the bright side, we're faster than most starcruisers, and we've got sensors and stealth capabilities you wouldn't believe."
    Lewis looked thoughtfully at the control panels. "Yes, I've been wondering about that. Perhaps you can explain why a simple pleasure yacht has an H-class stardrive. They're usually reserved for military and peacekeeper ships."
    Brett looked up from his viewscreen and smiled at Lewis. "I can answer that one. This ship is as fast as it is because it has to be. Smuggling alien porn is a death sentence on a whole lot of alien planets, for all
    kinds of political and religious reasons. And the Imperial courts aren't too keen on it either, because…
    well, mostly because they're a bunch of prudes. Same reason for the ship's force shields and heavy-duty security systems. This guy couldn't afford to get caught."
    "He's probably right, Sir Deathstalker," said Oz, in his relentlessly cheerful voice that Lewis just knew was going to start seriously grating on his nerves soon. "Choosing the Hereward to hijack could be seen as a classic case of good news—bad news. The good news is that at the speed we're traveling, the Empire's going to have a hard time finding anything that can catch up with us. The bad news is that if we run into anyone who knows what the Hereward usually traffics in, they'll probably try to blow us apart on general principle."
    Perfect, thought Lewis. Just bloody perfect. I'll bet Owen didn't have these problems when be was starting out.
    "You know," the AI said chattily, "for a Golden Age, Humanity has become really quite boring and inhibited in some areas. In Owen's day, you could get your hands on practically anything, for a price. In fact, go back a couple of centuries, and I could have got you into some live shows where the action would have steamed up your eyeballs and made them clang together. Clean living and decency is vastly overrated, if you ask me."
    Lewis tried to stop scowling. It was making his head ache. "Oz…"
    "Yes, sir! Right here and ready to serve your every wish, Sir Deathstalker!"
    "God, I hate a cheerful AI," said Jesamine. "It's like those recorded announcements you get at starports, when they apologize for your ship running late and screwing up all your connections. You know they don't really mean it, the bastards. Every time I hear a computer getting cheerful, I just know bad news is coming."
    "Let me get this straight, Oz," said Lewis, determined not to get sidetracked. "You claim to be the same AI that