Now That Hes Gone

right, the funeral or the divorce is over. The shock has worn off. The grief is still painful, but you're learning to live with it. You're on your own, in all likelihood living by yourself for the first time in many years. We learned in the previous chapter that being on your own doesn't necessarily mean being alone, that there are people “out there” who are willing and able to help you. But they don't necessarily come into your life on their own initiative. True, some friends and relatives will keep reaching out to you, and if you have one or more people like that in your life, you are indeed lucky. They are to be valued and encouraged.

    On the other hand, most people will not reach out to you, even if you've known them for years. People you may have met in support groups or grief counseling are not likely to initiate contact either. If you sit at home and wait for the phone or the doorbell to ring, you'll probably spend many long evenings alone.
    One piece of advice I give my clients in this situation is that you have to “open your front door.” Rather than just explain it, let me tell you about some women who have done a particularly effective job of it.
The Lady Is a Firecracker
    Millicent was born in 1918 in London, the daughter of a wealthy furniture dealer. “Growing up,” she says, “I never wanted for anything.” As an only child, she not only got whatever she wanted, she also had parents who were “simply wonderful to me.” A bride at 17, she continued going to school and was actually in college when World War II broke out. She was evacuated to the U.S. (in a submarine!) and when they got here, she and her husband had to start all over.
    For the first time in her life, Millicent learned what it was like to go without. Rather than be bitter about it, she says she appreciated the experience. “When you always have everything, you never know what it's like to want for things. You don't value them, not until they're gone.”
    When the war ended, Millicent and Nigel started an antique business in Los Angeles. Discovering there was large and growing demand for English antiques, Nigel used his old contacts in Great Britain to acquire items for resale. This required him to travel back there frequently, which he did for many years. At one point, however, Millicent found out that her husband had a mistress in England, whom he would see and often stay with when he was there. Resisting the urge to confront him on her own, Millicent instead contacted the mistress, explained that she was Nigel's wife and that she had no intention of ending the marriage. She convinced the mistress that Nigel was hurting her as much as he was Millicent, so they cooked up a little scheme. The mistress called Nigel and asked him to meet her for tea. When he got there, both women were waiting for him.
    During the tearful conversation that followed, Millicent got Nigel to accept that his affair was over and to recommit to the marriage. They went back to the U.S. and stayed together until his death. They were married over 60 years.
    Today, as she approaches 90, Millicent exudes elegance and joie de vivre. If you have a conversation with her, in no time she'll be calling you “dahling” and telling you amazing stories. Her apartment has the feel of old Hollywood glamour. It's filled with rare and precious antiques, which she has collected and preserved over the years. My daughter recently met Millicent and described her as “so full of energy, she's like a firecracker.”
    That's an apt description because Millicent is healthy, active and involved. When asked if she would remarry, she just laughed and said, “No way. I have the best of all worlds. I like plays, theater, good restaurants. I don't want for anything any more.”
    She surrounds herself with exciting women of all ages. “Age is just a number,” she says. “When we get together, we feed off one another, energize each other, get each other all excited. One bunch of girls would like me to play cards with them, but with painting twice a week, and with five grandchildren and 11 great-grandchildren, I never have the time.”
    I've known Millicent for a while now and I've learned the secret to her success in widowhood. She is a giver. She helps people, bringing joy into their lives. In so doing, she brings joy into her own life. Giving is the key to her happiness. Long ago, she even gave her husband's mistress important gifts: the gift of the truth, the gift of