Light in the Shadows

It was a wonder she was talking to me at all. 
     
                    My eyes zeroed in on my sneakers.  I felt small.  And vulnerable.  “That's good,” I choked out.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to yell.  I wanted to disappear into my hidey hole and never come out.  Damn, and I had been feeling so good too.
     
                    “Maggie, sweetie,” Lisa said quietly and I looked up at her again and I wanted to cringe at the blatant sympathy in her eyes.  I hated sympathy like I hated polyester.  It made me itchy and uncomfortable.  “I know things have been rough for you.  I saw how much you loved him.  Just know he's really trying to get himself together.” 
     
                    I swallowed around the lump that had formed in my throat.  I couldn't deny the relief that I felt at her words.  I wanted Clay healthy and whole.  I wanted him to get better.  And I could admit that I hoped once he did that, he would come back to me.  Because even as angry as I was at him for giving up on us, I missed him so much I hurt with it.  So hearing that he was trying was the absolute best thing I could hear.
     
                    “I'm glad,” I told her sincerely.  I looked over my shoulder and saw that Rachel and Daniel were watching Lisa and me intently.  The concern for me was obvious on both of their faces.  I gave them, what I hoped, was a reassuring smile.  I also noticed that Jake was paying close attention to my exchange with Lisa.  I wanted to roll my eyes at the lot of them.  Did they think I was going to fall apart just by talking to a person connected with my ex?  Sheesh, they should give me a bit more credit than that.
     
                    “I should get back to it.  It was great seeing you again, Lisa,” I said; ready to put distance between me and the sudden reminder of my painful, not so distant past.  I gave the other woman a final hug and started back toward the counter.
     
                    “Do you want us to give him a message?  We're planning to see him next week for his birthday,” she called out, just as I was about to make my escape.
     
                     The breath left my lungs.  Clay's birthday.  Of course it was coming up.  I thought about the present I had worked on for him just after he had left.  It still sat, wrapped in newspaper, underneath my bed.  I squared my shoulders and shook my head.
     
                    “No that's okay.  Have a nice trip,” I said dismissively, not wanting to talk about Clay anymore.  Lisa seemed to take the hint.  She picked up her to-go cup and with a last smile, left the café. 
     
                    I noticed that my friends didn't approach me.  They knew I wasn't in the mood to discuss what had just happened and I appreciated their sixth sense when it came to my feelings.  Jake gave me space as well and for that I was grateful. 
     
                    Because right then, my mind was too full and my heart was too heavy.  And that's all I could focus on.

C HAPTER T HREE      
    - C LAY-
     
     
     
     
                    I stared down at the spiral notebook in my lap.  The pencil in my hand was limp between my fingers and I couldn't focus on the chicken scratch on the pages.  My breathing had become shallow and my heart rate had accelerated to an alarming rate.
     
                      I was in the midst of a full blown panic attack.  Dr. Todd was looking at me with concern which should have freaked me the fuck out.  Because not much marred the good doc's placid calm.  But I must be making a massive spectacle of myself if he looked as though he were ready to put a tranq needle in my arm.
     
                     “Breathe, Clay.  In through your nose.  Out through your mouth.  Count backwards from twenty.  Slowly.  In and out.”  Dr. Todd's words were firm and I needed that right now because my mind had rioted against me. 
     
                      I followed his advice and closed my eyes, concentrating on the numbers in my head.  In through the nose.  Out through the mouth.  I clenched my hands into fists, trying to control the urge to scratch at my skin until it bled.  I needed the physical hurt to erase the horrible goddamned agony in my heart.
     
                     Not once did Dr. Todd