Frankenstein - According to

was
uncouth — he used to be couth, but he forgot. He asked me several questions,
the first was ‘lend us a quid?’
    He
said, ‘Have you really spent your time studying that crap?’
    I
replied, ‘I have studied that crap, what crap did you study?’
    ‘I
studied a different crap in Ancient Greek.’
    So
saying, he stepped aside and into it. He sold me several books, charging £1.00
a time. By the time he had finished, I had a pile of books and he was a
millionaire. Mr Krempe had huge ears which looked like people looking over his
shoulders.
    As
a child I had not been content with the results promised by a philosopher of
natural science. One such promise was that by waving my arms I should be able
to fly. I proved that to be a myth, so I blew his brains out. I realised that
Kant, Hegel and Freud were all cunts. I had utter contempt for these three
mentioned Charlies. They all sought immortality but in the end they all snuffed
it. I was required to exchange chimeras of boundless grandeur for realities of
little worth. I exchanged my chimera ten times a day and ended up with fuck
all.
    I
thought of Mr Krempe and recalled what he had said of Mr Waldman.
    I
went into the lecturing room. Mr Waldman entered shortly after. He appeared
about fifty and disappeared about seventy. He was a redhead; no hair, just a
red head. He was short for his height — three feet two inches. He began his
lecture by singing ‘Ave Maria’. After a few preparatory experiments, he
concluded with ‘A good big un will always beat a good little un.’ To prove it,
I knocked him down.
     
    Mr Waldman lectured on Ave Maria
    He knew her dimension from ear to
ear
    Her blood group was ‘A’
    She used it every day
    ‘It’s,’ she said, ‘the best way’
    Alas, that night she passed away.
     
    Modern
masters promise very little; they know that metals cannot be transmuted and
that the elixir of life is a chimera on sale at all good chimeraists.
Scientists penetrate nature and show how she works in her hiding-places —
usually Bradford. And on the third day they rise again from the dead, ascend
into heaven and sit at the right hand of God the Father Almighty. They have
discovered how the blood circulates (through the veins, would you believe it?)
and the nature of the air we breathe (it’s invisible and full of crap). They
can command the thunders of heaven, mimic the earthquake and even do A1 Jolson.
Something was wrong. I didn’t come to this school to be destroyed. If I am, they
should lower the fees. I will pioneer a new way, explore unknown powers, and
unfold to the world the deepest mysteries of creation. This was going to get me
right in the shit.
    I
closed not my eyes that night, only the doors. My internal being was in a turmoil
— I had to swallow an enema. I believed myself to possess a natural talent,
that was making moustard. 1 I visited Waldman. I
listened to his statement that was delivered without any presumption, except
for a burst on the banjo. He said how ignorant they were and how enlightened
were those who had removed prejudices against modern chemists like Boots.
    ‘I
am happy,’ said Mr Waldman, ‘to have gained a disciple. Chemistry has had a
great many improvements. They now have suppositories for piles and are able to
take the temperature of boiling water and the temperature of a monkey with
malaria.’ So I set out to take the temperature of boilding water and searched
for a monkey with malaria so that I might take his temperature. Anything to
forward my studies.

 
    Winter,
Spring and Summer passed away
    So
did Queen Vic they say
    She
died with a bad heart
    The
damn thing wouldn’t start
    It
meant nothing to me I was looking for bits for my monster you see.
     
     

CHAPTER IV
     
     
     
    From
this day, chemistry in the most comprehensive sense became my sole occupation.
Every day I would boil a vat of water and take its temperature and then the
monkey with malaria had his temperature taken. So it went on.
    Krempe
had a great deal of sound sense but he had a repulsive physiognomy. He had a
face like a dog’s bum and the dirty devil let off in confined spaces. Professor
Krempe often asked me, with a sly smile, how Cornelius Agrippa went on? I said
that he went on the bus. At the same time Mr Waldman expressed the most
heartfelt exultation in my progress: ‘I have the most heartfelt exultation in
your progress,’ he said. Two years passed, during which time I paid no visit to
Geneva but was engaged heart