My Secret Lover

love it,’ she presses on.
    ‘You’re not getting back together
with Vlad then?’ I ask.
    ‘No way! I’ve been so much happier
with you. What do you say?’
    Typically, Joanna wants an answer
straightaway. I’m tempted. We always used to think we’d share a house together
when we were little. Before Joanna became a successful person.
    ‘It would be much more convenient
than having a different au pair every month or so,’ I say.
    ‘You’d be so much better for them,’
says Joanna.
    And then she realizes that I’ve
tricked her.
    Strange that just about everyone I
know wants me to be mother to their children.
    ‘Don’t cry, Lyd. Look, I know things
don’t look so great at the moment, but—’
    Fortuitously for her, the doorbell
rings.
    I hear her footsteps across the hall.
    And then a familiar voice says,
‘You’re back! and Linda too!’
    And she says, ‘Not now, Greg.’
    And closes the door.
    ‘Don’t turn away the bald Canadian,’
I hear myself calling.
    On a list of ten sentences I would
bet my home against uttering, if I still had one, this would come pretty near
the top.
    ‘He’s my sole admirer in the whole
world,’ I say, milking the self-pity a bit. ‘Even if the only reason he likes
me is because he thinks I’m a belly dancer.’
    ‘That’s not the only reason he likes
you,’ says Joanna.
    ‘I’m afraid it is,’ I tell her.
    ‘No, he likes you, because he knows
you’re important to me,’ she says, gleaming slightly.
    I’m lost for words.
    Which I shouldn’t be, because it’s
the story of my life.

58
     
    My mouse glides over:
    Who wins? You decide
    and:
    Becks appeal? Commonwealth Games
Controversy
     
    There are two new messages in my
Inbox.
     
    Don't put off a Career Opportunity!
     
    Which I delete.
    And:
     
    Congratulations!
     
    I was on television, but I'm not now.
I'm now a press officer for an aid agency. No point in wasting your life
wishing you'd trained as a doctor or a nurse, you have to use what talents you
have. And I'm much happier. I've been wanting to do something useful for some
time, and talking to you tipped the balance. Can I buy you a drink to thank
you? There's loads of demand for teachers, by the way. A
     
    No thanks. I don't think I could bear
any more disappointment right now. L
     
    Thanks! A
     
    I meant yours in me. L
     
    I'd love to meet you. A
     
    No, you wouldn't. L
    Why? A
     
    It's all about the proper,
grown-up-person league tables. L
     
    You've lost me. A
     
    Look, I'm the sort of person who
spends the whole of the celebrity telethon after September 11th trying to work
out what I would say to Jack Nicholson if he answered my call. Here's ten quid,
Mr Nicholson, and can I just say that you were great in As Good as it Gets, but my absolute favourite was Terms of Endearment ?
    It just wouldn't work in real life. L
     
    Not even if I found a waterpark with
five giant slides? A
     
    No. L
     
    Got you tickets for Elton John Live?
A
     
    No. Thank you. L
     
    Actually I'm already going to a Greek Island to expand my personal horizons. If I manage to get back in touch with myself,
I may be back in touch with you on return. OK? L

59
     
    Am I happy?
    I am living in a hut. I have to walk
a hundred yards to running water. I am surrounded by well-meaning people who
want to hug me a lot.
    I can’t pinpoint exactly why I’m
uncomfortable here.
    The island is idyllic, the weather is
beautiful, the food is delicious.
    Perhaps I chose the wrong
life-improving options?
    Drama therapy is actually quite a lot
like the stuff I do at school with the kids. Used to do, I should say, because
I’m officially suspended until the insurance people and the police have
completed their enquiries.
    The yoga is a bit vigorous. I thought
yoga was about stretching gently and getting toned, but I think this is the
sort that Madonna does, and I haven’t been able to move without hurting since
the first session.
    I think I should have gone for the
creative writing. At the time, I thought it would be more painful to sit
listening to other people’s stories.
     
    There’s a strange system that
everyone except me seems to enjoy which involves mucking in with cleaning the
site and cooking the food. The people in charge talk about it as being part of
the community, but frankly, it must keep their costs down.
     
    *
     
    I can’t get over the feeling that
we’re all just playing at being good people, trying to make ourselves feel
better, and not really doing