Grime and Punishment

meant, she said, ‘I didn’t come to town on a turnip truck, but I’ll play along anyway.’ But she wasn’t the worst.“
    “Robbie?“
    “You betcha. I think she believed it, but she didn’t like it. She would have hung up, but I talked so fast she didn’t have a chance. I apologized up a storm and said we’d just gone temporarily insane from the stress and we’d never do a thing like that again.“
    “Did she forgive us?“
    “Not so’s you’d notice.“
    “She agreed to come?“
    “Only out of duty. She said she’d made a moral commitment to the playground, otherwise she’d never set foot in my home again. In the end, she paraphrased Nixon. She said when the committee work was done, we wouldn’t have Robbie to kick around any more.“
    “What does that mean?“
    “I have no idea, Jane, but it made me feel like shit.“
    “What about our friend Lucrezia Greenway?“
    “Huh? Oh, Joyce. You’re speaking figuratively again. No wonder Mary Ellen doesn’t listen to you half the time. Say—poison! What an awful idea. What if one of them brings poisoned food?“
    “Now whose imagination is running away with them?“ She heard someone coming up the stairs and lowered her voice. “What about Joyce?“
    “She agreed to come, and even to bring food, but I had to lie and say you couldn’t attend the meeting. Dorothy Wallenberg must have been busy with something else, ‘cause she didn’t even question the idea. She just said, ‘Yes, yes, all right. Let me write it on my calendar. Goodbye.’ “
    “Who’s left? Oh, Laura Stapler. I’ll bet she was crazy about it.“
    “Nearly wet her pants. I could tell over the phone. It was a tough fight, and I nearly bought a security system before it was over. She eventually agreed to come, but said she’d probably have her husband bring her dish for her.“
    “So we’ve got it all set up. Now all we have to do is tell the police.”
    There was a long silence on the other end. “Shelley?“
    “Yeah. Who’s going to do that? I’ve already called the committee. And I’m the one who has to arrange to get Edith here. I think it’s your turn.“
    “Shelley, I’ll never ask you to give me another permanent.“
    “Not good enough.“
    “I’ll drive all your car pools the week before Christmas when the kids are berserk.”
    “Getting closer.“
    “I’ll give you all my grocery store coupons.”
    “They’re probably outdated.“
    “Oh, all right.“ She took a deep breath and said, miserably, “I’ll take your place as fifth-grade room-mother.“
    “All of the above.“
    “Yes.“
    “It’s a deal. I’ll call in and report what we’ve set up first thing in the morning. No point in ruining the whole night for our poor Detective VanDyne. I’ll call you when I’ve talked to him.“
    “There won’t be any need. The shock waves will probably flatten my house.”
    She was right.
    All went well enough through the morning rush. Shelley called to say she’d talked to the Happy Helper people and they’d promised to deliver Edith the next day. Jane started to ask her how she’d managed it, but refrained. Shelley’s methods were sometimes better left unexamined. It was enough that she’d accomplished her goal. By the time everyone was off to school and the animals fed, Jane started getting nervous. Uncle Jim was going to work today, and was downing the last of his French toast when the phone rang. A vaguely familiar and frigidly cold voice asked for him, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Detective Van-Dyne in a very poor frame of mind.
    Jane silently handed Jim the phone and suddenly remembered something urgent she had to do in the backyard. She wished she had some pressing errand in a foreign country, but the backyard would have to do.
    She was pretending to weed under the fir tree when Uncle Jim came out. His tie was askew, his scowl as fierce as any she’d ever seen. His movements were deliberate. He picked up a patio chair and banged the front legs on the cement to dislodge some loose leaves. It looked like he was trying to destroy it. He sat down, leaned back, pointed a finger at her, and then jabbed it toward another chair.
    “Sit!“
    “Detective Van Dyne is a tattletale,“ she said, perching on the edge of the chair he’d indicated.
    “A grown woman,“ he said, shaking his head sadly. “The mother of three fine, fatherless children.“
    “If it weren’t me involved, you’d think this was really quite a good idea.