Cutler 01 - Dawn

chipped paint. The same windows that didn't close well. Jimmy hated our apartment so much that he said he would rather sleep in the street.
    But just when we thought things were as bad as they could be, they got worse.
    Late one afternoon months after we had moved to Richmond, Momma came home from work much earlier than usual. I had been hoping she would bring something else for us to have for dinner. We were at the tail end of the week, Daddy's payday, and most of our money from the previous week was gone. We had been able to have one or two good meals during the week, but now we were eating leftovers. My stomach was rumbling just as much as Jimmy's was, but before either of us could complain, the door opened and we both turned, surprised to see Momma come in. She stopped, shook her head, and started to cry. Then she hurried across the room to her bedroom.
    "Momma! What's wrong?" I called after her, but her only answer was to slam the door. Jimmy looked at me and I at him, both of us frightened. I went to her door and knocked softly. "Momma?" Jimmy came up beside me and waited. "Momma, can we come in?" I opened the door and looked inside.
    She was facedown on the bed, her shoulders shaking. We entered slowly, Jimmy right beside me. I sat down on the bed and put my hand on her shoulder.
    "Momma?"
    Finally she stopped sobbing and turned to look up at us.
    "Did you lose your job, Momma?" Jimmy asked quickly.
    "No, it's not that, Jimmy." She sat up, grinding her small fists against her eyes to wipe the tears away. "Although I won't be havin' the job all that much longer."
    "Then what is it, Momma? Tell us," I begged.
    She sniffed and pushed back her hair and took each of our hands into hers.
    "You're gonna have either a new brother or sister," she declared.
    My pounding heart paused. Jimmy's eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.
    "It's my fault. I just ignored and ignored the signs. I never thought I was pregnant, because I didn't have no more children after Dawn, I finally went to a doctor today and found out I was a little more n' four months pregnant. Suddenly I'm gonna have a child, and now I won't be able to work, too," she said and began to cry again.
    "Oh, Momma, don't cry." The thought of another mouth to feed dropped a black shadow over my heart. How could we manage it? We didn't have enough as it was.
    I looked to Jimmy to urge him to say something comforting, but he looked stunned and angry. He just stood there, staring.
    "Does Daddy know yet, Momma?" he asked.
    "No," she said. She took a deep breath. "I'm too old and tired to have another baby," she whispered and shook her head.
    "You're mad at me, ain'tcha, Jimmy?" Momma asked him. He was so sullen, I wanted to kick him. Finally he shook his head.
    "Naw, Momma, I ain't mad at you. It's not your fault." He swung his eyes at me, and I knew he was blaming Daddy.
    "Then give me a hug. I need one right now."
    Jimmy looked away and then leaned toward Momma. He gave her a quick hug, mumbled something about having to get something outside, and then hurried out.
    "You just lay back and rest, Momma," I said. "I almost have the dinner all made anyway."
    "Dinner. What do we have to eat? I was going to try to pick up something tonight, see if we could charge any more on our grocery bill, but with this pregnancy and all, I clean forgot about eating."
    "We'll make do, Momma," I said. "Daddy gets paid today, so tomorrow we'll eat better."
    "I'm sorry, Dawn," she said, her face wrinkling up in preparation for her sobs again. She shook her head. "Jimmy's so mad. I can see it in his eyes. He's got Ormand's temper."
    "He's just surprised, Momma. I'll see about dinner," I repeated and went out and closed the door softly behind me, my fingers trembling on the knob.
    A baby, a little brother or sister! Where would a baby sleep? How could Momma take care of a baby? If she couldn't work, we would have even less money. Didn't grown-ups plan these things? How could they let it happen?
    I went outside to look for Jimmy and found him throwing a rubber ball against the wall in the alley. It was mid-April, so the chill was out of the air, even in the early evening. I could just make out some stars starting their entrance onto the sky. The neon lights above the doorway of Frankie's Bar and Grill at the corner had been turned on. Sometimes, on his way home on a hot day, Daddy would stop in there for a cold beer. When the door was opened and closed, the laughter and the music from the